


Good times, bad times, you know I've had my share

by MuffinOfTheDarkSide



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - No supernatural, Angst, Anxiety, Camping, Caring Bobby, Dean gets help, Dean is scared of feelings, Dean makes bad decisions, Denial, F/F, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Impala, M/M, Michael is a douchebag, Nightmares, Non-con elements BUT no actual rape, Panic Attacks, Protective Dean, Sex, Slowly revealing backstory, Some Humor, Texting, Worried Sam, dating app, deep talks, john winchester is a shitty parent, past abusive relationship, recovering, secrets and lies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-11-15 16:54:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 18
Words: 35,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11235222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MuffinOfTheDarkSide/pseuds/MuffinOfTheDarkSide
Summary: Sometimes you have to build a wall to protect yourself. Sometimes the wall falls on you and when you are hurt, you build a new one, stronger one. Dean Winchester has built a strong wall to protect himself after the first one buried the rest of his trust in people outside his family. Sometimes you can’t break your walls, even if you want to. Sometimes you need a little help from the outside.OR:When Dean Winchester wanted nothing more than one night stand (and for the record, he really tried), but the whole Universe was sick of his angst.





	1. I'm forever black-eyed, a product of a broken home

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly I didn’t believe I would ever finish a story this long all by myself again. It’s been some time since the last one. But here I am. I want to thank my dearest [DutchmanCallypso](http://archiveofourown.org/users/DutchmanCallypso) for kicking me into writing, threatening me and calling me a horrible person. Especially things like “Get the hell to work or Nick Fury is gonna knock on your door wearing a purple tutu, dancing to Madonna hits” helped a lot. Please, write a motivational book, darling.

Dean Winchester opened his eyes slowly and groaned at the sight of the alarm clock. He was hoping he would have some time to curl up in bed and enjoy the warmness for a little longer, but it was about three minutes to time to wake up. On the other hand, he slept peacefully. Not a very long time ago, peaceful nights were rare. He shut the alarm immediately after it went off and rolled to the other side. It took him a few more minutes to convince himself to get out of bed and open the window to get some fresh air. It was quite a cold morning, but the blue sky promised a nice day. He let out a long, silent yawn and stretched his limbs, fighting the desire to lie down for a couple more minutes, but he knew very well if he didn’t get up quickly, he wouldn’t make it in time to school and so wouldn’t his younger brother. Dean didn’t bother to get dressed yet and so he walked to the kitchen wearing only his boxers. Sam, who was already there – dressed and eating breakfast, was used to his morning habits and there was nobody else whom it might bother. The only other person they lived with was their uncle Bobby and he was usually gone in the morning before the boys woke up, not like something so unimportant could bother him. He had a small antique and pre-loved books shop in the town that was open since early morning. This, occasional cars repairing and his seasonal job as a hunter made enough money to provide for the two brothers after they father (finally, according to Bobby) went to jail. That happened a couple years ago, shortly before Dean started going to the high school. They moved to Sioux Falls to escape the abusive environment they grew up in and start again. And then… Dean met Alastair.

“Morning, Sammy,” Dean said in a rather sleepy voice and yawned again. He poured some still warm coffee from the coffee maker into his old red mug and sat on the chair next to his brother.

“How did you sleep?” Sam asked as he moved a clean bowl, spoon and box of cereal closer to Dean. The older boy didn’t really feel like having breakfast, but he knew if he didn’t eat, Sam would worry about him all day.

“Like a drunk baby,” he grinned and helped himself to a fair amount of food. Although he wasn’t that hungry, he liked the sticky-sweet taste and crunchy sound. Sam just nodded. He could always tell if Dean has had a bad night, but also liked to hear him say that he was okay. The last couple years were tough for both of them.

“Do you wanna go say hi to Bobby before school?” Dean asked after a while with his mouth full.

“I can’t. I promised Gabriel to help him prepare something in the gym. You actually need to drop me off earlier,” Sam pointed and rose from his chair, knowing very well what was going to follow. Dean really didn’t like his friendship with the gym teacher.

“Can you not call him Gabriel in front of me? He’s Mr. Milton to _everyone_ except you and a few other boys. What a coincidence!” he frowned angrily.

“You know that's not true. Dean, come on. Not now. We really need to go soon,” Sam pleaded, quite annoyed. He knew why Dean was like that, he knew that very well, but right now there was no time to explain once again that there was nothing between him and the young teacher.

“What are you going to help him with, hm?!”

“Me and _a few other people from my class_ ,” Sam said slowly to point there wasn’t going to be only him and already mentioned teacher, “are going to help him prepare some stuff for the class who goes there before us. I don’t know what. Can we _please_ move on?” he glared at his older brother. Dean sighed.

“I’m sorry I snapped. You know I just want to protect you. Let’s go then,” he said quietly and left his half-eaten breakfast on the table. A few minutes later they were sitting in their father’s old car.

“Can I play a game on your phone?” Sam asked. His own phone didn’t even have a touchscreen, but he had a new one promised for a good report. Dean just nodded and handed him his phone. A little while later Sam accidentally found an app he didn’t know Dean was using.

“Really, Dean? A dating app?” he scoffed. “Oh, it says you have three new matches.”

“Leave it Sam, that’s nothing for your eyes,” Dean said uncomfortably and wanted to snap his phone out of Sam’s hands, but he pulled away and went through his chats. Dean couldn’t do much while driving.

“Oh fuck, this is disgusting!” Sam exhaled with his eyes wide open as he read a few messages Dean exchanged with some guy named Sebastian. Then he shut the app off and passed the phone back to Dean.

“Are you sure this is a good idea, Dean? After, you know…” he said more seriously. He was genuinely concerned. They didn’t talk about what happened anymore and Sam refused to say anything more specific than _‘you know’_. It was making him queasy just to think about it, but he was quite worried about his older brother getting in touch with strangers. Dean sighed.

“I’m trying to be careful, Sammy.” That was all he managed to say, though there was more on his mind.

“So this is what you’ve been doing since you started going out again?” Even Sam had much more on his mind right now. But he didn’t want to talk about it a bit more than Dean did. He had lots to think about though.

“Yeah. Sammy, listen. If I get in trouble, I’ll ask for help this time, I promise. Okay?” he looked him in the eyes for a brief moment. “Now go, I can’t park here,” he added softly. Only then Sam realized they are already in front of the school.

“I’ll see you later,” Sam said and rushed towards the building.

***

Later that day, during his free period, Dean hurried back to the gym because he forgot his water bottle there. Well actually, he left it there on purpose – he knew very well Sam would be there right now. He couldn’t lose that bad feeling about their gym teacher. It wasn’t really Gabriel’s fault. He was very popular among students for he was friendly, kind, funny and supportive.

When Dean opened the gym door, he saw most of the kids from Sam’s class lined in a queue in front of a climbing rope. It was very easy to find Sam and it wasn’t because of his bright yellow t-shirt. He was trying his best to climb the rope. Although he was already taller than the gym teacher, he still didn’t climb out of his reach.

“Come on Sam, you can do it!” The teacher grabbed the rope firmly with one hand to make it steadier for Sam.

“I don’t think so,” Sam grunted breathlessly, holding tight.

“I’ve got you, don’t be afraid, go!” Gabriel said and in font of Dean’s eyes pushed Sam’s butt up with his free hand. Sam managed to climb a bit higher now when he was sure Gabriel was securing him. However, just a moment after the teacher said Sam may stop, he was standing safely on the floor again.

“Well done, Sam, well done!” Gabriel gave him a wide smile and patted his shoulder. Sam was panting, his cheeks red. He loved getting nice words from teachers. Then he finally noticed his brother and waved, still having a silly smile on his face.

“Dean!” the teacher said when he looked the way Sam was waving, “do you need anything?”

“Yes, um, sorry for interrupting Mr. Milton, I, um, I accidentally left my water bottle in the cloakroom, may I go take it?” Dean stammered, trying to absorb what he just witnessed.

“Sure Dean, go,” Gabriel nodded and moved his attention to another child in the line.

***

“How did you enjoy gym today?” Dean asked bitterly when Sam closed the car door behind him.

“It was good,” he replied calmly, ignoring Dean’s tone.  “You were there anyway to hear what _Mr. Milton_ told me.”

“Yeah and also to see him grabbing your ass!” Dean blurted, “don’t you mind at all? Do you do anything for a little praise?!” he looked at Sam angrily.

“Dean, come on! He was just helping me, it wasn’t like.. like.. you know what I mean! It was nothing!”

“If he just touches you in a way you don’t feel comfortable about, I’ll break every bone in his hand,” Dean whispered and then they didn’t talk about it anymore.

 

In the evening Sam was in Dean’s room, playing a game on the phone and watching him getting ready for a date.

“Have you met this guy before?” he asked after a long while of silence.

“No.”

“Where are you going with him?”

“We’ll meet in a bar downtown, have a few drinks and then we’ll go to his place, unless he’s too weird or something,” Dean said reluctantly. He didn’t want to discuss his sex life with his brother. “I won’t be long,” he added then. He knew Sam would be worried this time. He never stayed the night, the thought of having his usual nightmares while being with some of the guys he was meeting made him very anxious.

“You have a new match,” Sam announced matter-of-factly. “Some guy called Cast.. Castiel? Yeah, Castiel. Seems like a nice guy. At least according to the lack of half-naked photos, and his profile where he doesn’t mention his turn-ons.”

“I wonder what a nice guy would be doing there,” Dean rolled his eyes, so glad Sam knew better than to use dating apps. He met the lowest sorts of people there and didn’t want his baby brother to be any close to them.

“Let’s see then,” Sam said and before Dean could have stopped him, he typed a message to this Castiel.

 

_> > Hey there! What is a nice guy like you doing here?_

“Sam!”

“What? Like you care! You can have any guy there.”

“But this one I really want. Give me that phone.”

“He replied!” Sam squealed.

_< < Haha just looking around I guess :) A friend of mine insisted I try it. Haven’t met many nice guys yet though._

_> > Well now you met me ;) are you up to something this weekend?_

Dean snapped his phone out of Sam’s hands.

 “Sam, come on! This is definitely not how I act there. You made me look like a nice chatty guy who makes weekend plans. How am I supposed to get out of this?”

“But you _are_ a nice chatty guy who likes to make weekend plans, Dean. Behind that wall of yours, at least. Maybe you could give someone a chance to like you,” Sam replied in a low, serious voice and left the room without another word for the dramatic effect. Dean sighed. Sam didn’t understand it, he was too young and naive. Nevertheless, he didn’t turn Castiel down. He somehow couldn’t. He reminded him of himself before all those things happened. When he, for a while, was a happy and friendly boy, naively thinking everything would be okay after he escaped his abusive father.


	2. Here we are, pretending we’re okay

It wasn’t too late when Dean came back, but it was already past Sam’s bedtime. Dean wasn’t surprised to see light in his window though. He was worried sick all evening and waiting for his big brother to come home. Bobby has noticed there was something going on with him, but Sam just said it was about a test at school. However, Bobby guessed quite easily where Dean was going some nights and always waited for him to come back. The boy had no idea. He entered the house and went upstairs as quietly as possible. He wanted to scold Sam a bit for not sleeping yet, but his younger brother was asleep with a book in his hands. Dean smiled softly, put the book on the nightstand, then pulled a blanket over Sam’s shoulders and was about to leave when the boy moved.

“Good night, Dean,” he mumbled, most likely still sleeping.

“Good night, Sammy,” Dean replied and went to his own bed. He was exhausted and decided to shower in the morning, but for a reason he couldn’t find yet, he replied to Castiel’s last message. He was probably sleeping by now. His brother couldn’t drive him to school next day so he had to get up earlier, as he wrote to Dean about twenty minutes ago.

_> > Good night Cas_

***

Dean was waiting in the car for solid fifteen minutes. Sam was a bit late sometimes, but not like this. Dean, really worried now, hurried back to the school. The halls were empty and weirdly silent now, so he was able to hear distant sobs as he was passing the gym. _Oh fuck_ , he thought, pretty certain it had something to do with the gym teacher. He wanted to kick the door open, but then decided it would be better if he wasn’t noticed immediately. So he opened the door slowly, just a little bit to listen.

“Come on, Sam, be reasonable, please. Why won’t you tell me what’s the matter with you?” Gabriel said in a low voice. Dean missed the strong worry in it, but it was certainly there. Sam’s response consistent out of a soft sob and a hiccup.

“Is your brother still around? Do you want me to go find him? No? What then, Sam?!” He started being quite impatient as he had no idea how to deal with the crying boy who wouldn’t talk to him. That was too much for Dean, he entered the gym, making his way straight to the two of them. He fought the urge to push Gabriel away from his little brother. At least he was smart enough to stop rubbing younger boy’s back in an attempt to comfort him when Dean approached.

“Sammy, what happened, are you okay?!” he blurted in a trembling voice, kneeling next to him immediately.

“I’m sorry,” Sam whined, not even looking at his older brother. A confused frown appeared on Dean’s face as he looked at the teacher, then back at his brother and again at the teacher.

“What happened?” he asked in a dark voice which nobody would dare to lie to. Gabriel sighed.

“Sam needs to go to the hospital, he sprained his ankle, but then I will need to talk to you,” he said in a serious voice that neither one of the boys ever heard from him before.

“Is that talk necessary? I promised our uncle to help him with something,” Dean said. He wouldn’t tell the teacher more than he had to and he certainly didn’t want to discuss their personal life with him.

“I’m afraid I have to insist, Dean, it would either be you or your uncle who has you two in custody, as far as I know.” Something in his eyes made Dean change his mind.

“Alright. I’ll ask our uncle to come get him and then I’ll talk to you,” he said then. Hospital was out of talk – Bobby can handle a sprained ankle with one hand and eyes closed. Dean pulled his phone out of pocket and wrote a quick message to him. Then he easily lifted Sam from the floor and carried him to the gym office. Gabriel brought his clothes and schoolbag from the cloakroom. Dean felt very uncomfortable while he was watching the teacher gently taking Sam’s shoe off and examining his swollen ankle.

“It doesn’t look that bad,” he muttered, but Dean didn’t take a notice of him. Although the office was redecorated, he could still recall the old couch at the radiator he had such bad memories to. He lost much more than his virginity in this room. He shivered as a memory came to his mind.

“Dean? Are you okay? You look like you’re about to faint.” Dean winced and turned his head towards the teacher. He got completely lost in his thoughts.

“Y-yeah, I’m fine,” he muttered when Gabriel wouldn’t stop looking at him, waiting for answer. Sam was staring at him too, but unlike the teacher, he _knew_. Before any one of them could say something, there were three sharp knocks on the door. It didn’t take Bobby long time to find the right room – he used to attend this school himself. Not many things changed since then.

“Hello, Mr. Singer,” Gabriel said politely and rose from the chair to shake his hand.

“Good to see you Mr. Milton,” Bobby nodded and looked at the boys. Sam’s eyes were still red from crying and Dean’s face was almost as white as a chalk. The office kept its smell of rubber, coffee and something he couldn’t identify even after redecorating and it was making him nauseous.

“So what happened here?” he asked.

“I’d like to talk to you about it privately,” the teacher said, ignoring Dean’s frown.

“But you said you would talk to _me_ about it,” Dean objected.

“I think it’s still me who’s in charge, kiddo. I’m sure there are things you two ain’t telling me anyway,” Bobby pierced Dean with a look that made his cheeks flush red. “So you take Sam home and go to the shop, I’ll take care of Sam after I finish here,” he decided and Dean knew there was no point in arguing.

“Yes Bobby,” he answered meekly and lifted Sam again with a low grunt.

“Will you take his stuff then?”

“Sure, Dean, don’t worry,” Bobby said in a softer voice than before and waited until Dean kicked the door closed behind him.

“So what is it you need to talk about?” he asked and sat down on a chair which Dean was sitting on before. Gabriel sighed.

“I don’t even know where to start, Mr. Singer. It seems to me that there’s something wrong with Sam, and Dean feels very uncomfortable around me.”

“Well, here’s the thing. I don’t know how much you know about their past, but the boys come from a very abusive home. They don’t really talk much to me about school, but I know that Sam likes you a lot. And that makes Dean worried. He’s very protective, you know. But don’t take this personally, he’s had some… problems with the previous gym teacher,” Bobby sighed. He didn’t know how much he can say, Dean would probably be angry even for this. However, Bobby didn’t know much himself.

“I see. Well the first thing with Sam is that he craves attention and praise from the teachers, including me, that’s why he’s the best student in his year. He’s not very good in the gym though, but he tries and I appreciate it. He’s very happy and thankful for every slightest compliment, but when he doesn’t receive them or he gets told off, he doesn’t take it well, he tends to be sulky and even cry. We are all aware of their past, but some teachers are douchebags; I say it as it is,” Gabriel said seriously. Bobby sighed.

“He’s a good kid. Been through a lot of shit. I’ll have a word with him.”

“The second thing is, Mr. Singer, there are two kids who bully Sam. They probably find him an easy target and give him a hard time every once a while. At the end of today’s class I needed to leave for just a minute and when I came back…”

***

“What did you mean when you said you were sorry?” Dean asked when they were both in the car on the way home. Sam wouldn’t say a word since they left the office.

“Sam?” he gave him a brief look when his little brother didn’t answer.

“Sam!”

“Can you please leave it now, Dean?” Sam squealed in pain when he bumped his ankle by accident. His face was so pale he looked sick.

“You said you’d tell me if something was going on at school. You’re clearly not telling me something, Samuel,” Dean growled with a strong threat in his voice and Sam knew it was serious when Dean called him Samuel.

“J-just.. I, I mean.. it’s not.. not that serious, I.. you have enough your problems and.. and.. it’s nothing I can’t deal with, it’s.. it’s.. I mean.. Dean, just.. just leave it now.” Sam’s voice was trembling as he was trying his best to get out of this situation. Dean sighed.

“Okay, but you’re going to tell me tonight.”

***

In the evening, after Dean closed the shop and picked some groceries on the way home, he found the house dark and silent.  When he switched on the light in the kitchen and put the bags on the table, he noticed a note on the fridge.

_I’m off to town, urgent, be back late. Sam’s resting. - Bobby_

“Okay,” Dean sighed and prepared sandwiches for him, Sam and also Bobby when he comes back. He put a few of them on plates, then on a tray, made a tea for Sam and headed upstairs.

“Hey little bro,” he whispered loudly when he entered the room and put the tray down at the nightstand.

“Hey Dean,” Sam muttered sleepily and turned to his back slowly, hissing in pain as he moved his hurt ankle.

“Were you sleeping?” Dean asked softly and switched the small bedside lamp on.

“I was close,” Sam yawned and stretched his hand to switch the ceiling light on. Then he pushed himself up with his hands and Dean pulled a pillow up behind his back.

“I made dinner,” Dean said and placed one of the plates on Sam’s lap.

“Thank you Dean,” Sam smiled and took a big bite of his sandwich. Dean sat on the bed next to him and grabbed another one.

“So did Bobby take care of your ankle?” Dean asked with his mouth full.

“Yeah, he said it’s gonna be okay soon. But I’m not going to school tomorrow,” Sam replied after he swallowed the bite he was chewing.

“Good. Listen, Sammy, you must tell me what’s happening at school.”

“It.. it’s not that much of a big deal,” Sam sighed, “but there are two guys, Lucifer and Crowley, who like to give me a hard time.”

“Do you know why?” Dean frowned. Lucifer was younger brother of his classmate Michael – first class douchebag, but he didn’t know Crowley.

“Yeah,” Sam scoffed, “Lucifer’s brother Michael said I was flirting with his girlfriend, Ruby.”

“And were you?” Dean chuckled. He knew Ruby very well, Michael was awfully possessive of her, but she was a slutty, very popular girl for a reason that remained secret for Dean.

“No! Dude, she’s like the most popular girl at school and dating that dickhead. She dropped some books and I helped her pick them, that’s all!” Sam moaned huffily.

“But you like her,” Dean grinned and watched Sam’s face turning red. “Alright Sammy, you stay away from her and I’ll have a nice little word with Michael.”

“Thank you,” Sam sighed, “I’m really not enjoying those two idiots. Thanks to them I have this,” he waved his hand at his bandaged ankle.

***

The next day during the break Dean was just searching for the Biology book in his locker when someone tapped on his right shoulder.

“Hey Charlie,” he grinned as he turned left.


	3. Trouble troublemaker, that’s your middle name

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided to change the update pattern a little bit so it's more regular (okay, I didn't want to wait one more day before every other chapter), so now it's once in three days.

She would do this old silly trick every single time. Charlie was his best friend, he didn’t even remember how they became friends – they just kinda happened to sit together the first day of school and then spent so much time together that people thought they were dating. They couldn’t be more wrong though, since Charlie was already in a relationship with Dorothy – merry but shy chubby girl with long chestnut-brown hair, unfortunately going to another school and Dean always knew he wasn’t interested in girls. Some people were saying they were pretending to be dating because they were afraid to come out, but Charlie would talk about her love life very openly just to make these people uncomfortable and nobody dared to tell Dean in the face.

“Oh Dean, can you let me have this one every once a while?” she whined, vainly trying to fight a grin spreading over her face.

“Alright, next time,” Dean chuckled. “Where have you been this week? Not like I missed you…” He laughed when Charlie elbowed him under the ribs.

“Just, you know, it was finally nice weather, I took Dorothy camping so she would get some rest from books,” she smiled lovingly, as always when she was talking about her girlfriend. Dean genuinely liked her, though she was still nervous in his presence.

“Camping? It’s not that warm outside, I almost froze a few nights ago when I was coming home,” Dean objected.

“Yeah, well, we have our ways to keep warm,” Charlie smirked and winked.

“Of course,” Dean chuckled, but then he got serious. “Have you by any chance seen Michael? I need a word with him.” Charlie frowned in disgust.

“What do you need with that idiot?”

“He’s making problems to Sammy. That’s why he’s not here today, he kinda can’t walk properly right now.”

“What? What has he done to him?!” Charlie gasped, but before Dean could answer, the mentioned one came up to his locker near Dean’s.

“Hey, douchebag!” Dean barked and made a few steps towards him. Michael looked his way, surprised by his tone, but then he smirked at the shorter boy.

“What do you want, Winchester?” he asked coldly.

“Just a little chat,” Dean replied angrily. “You tell your stupid brother to leave my brother alone or you won’t like what will happen.” Michael laughed. Loudly.

“Why should I tell him such thing? You think your little nerdy brother can’t defend himself?” he grinned. Dean clenched his teeth and grabbed Michael’s shoulder firmly. He knew exactly where to push with his finger to make it hurt like hell and he saw it in Michael’s eyes, however, the tough football player didn’t make a single sound.

“Listen to me, douchebag, if Lucifer and his guardian dog Crowley won’t leave Sam alone, I’ll make sure to break the right bones of yours in the right way so you can forget about football. We have the biology together, you know I have the knowledge,” Dean growled in a low voice. He didn’t need other people to hear, but Charlie came closer in case something happened. Michael just scoffed and all of sudden pushed Dean towards Charlie. Dean bumped into her and if Charlie didn’t hold on random passing guy, she’d fall right on the radiator.

“Asshole!” Dean roared and without thinking he grabbed Michael’s collar and punched him in the face a couple times before his fist got pulled away and twisted behind his back roughly. He made a move to fight the interrupter and probably would punch him in anger too, but fortunately he soon enough realized it was the gym teacher.

“That’s enough, Dean. You come with me now to calm down,” he ordered firmly.

“Yeah, that’s right, Winchester, go with the gym teacher, that’s what you like!” Michael said spitefully before he took off to find the school nurse. Dean wanted to run after him and break every bone in his body, but the look in Gabriel’s eyes stopped him. He just ripped his wrist out of teacher’s firm grip and followed him with his head bent. He felt extremely uncomfortable if anyone held his wrist this tight. When Dean realized where they were going, he hesitated.

“Do.. do we have to go to the gym office?” he asked nervously.

“There’s nowhere else to go now. I need to talk to you, Dean.” The halls were mostly empty now. Dean remembered one day when Alastair took him to the gym office in the middle of a day to have a _talk_ with him. His face went pale.

“I.. I.. really.. Mr. Milton.. please..” he babbled in a weak voice.

“It will be five minutes, Dean. You don’t want me to send you to the principal’s office, do you? You can get in serious trouble for what you’ve just done,” Gabriel said in a bit softer voice. He didn’t mean to scare Dean, though he didn’t understand why the boy was scared now. And he got even more nervous and pale as he sat down on the couch in the gym office. Gabriel closed the door, but didn’t lock as Alastair used to, Dean was watching him. He handed him a pack of tissues for his bloody hand and sat on the chair in a decent distance from him.

“Now, Dean, can you tell me what happened?” he asked in a low calm voice. Dean shook his head. He thought Gabriel was asking about why he didn’t want to go here.

“No, Mr. Milton, I.. I..”

“Dean, you really need to tell me why you punched Michael. I didn’t see what happened before but I’m sure he won’t leave it like that. And clean your hand, I don’t want to have blood on the couch.” Dean sighed and wiped blood off his hand, but the tissue didn’t help much.

“Can I.. can I wash my hand in the sink?” he asked and when Gabriel nodded, Dean went to the sink quickly to wash his hand properly. After that he wanted to sit back on the couch, but then he changed his mind.

“Why don’t you sit down, Dean?” Gabriel asked after a moment of waiting.

“I’m fine,” Dean muttered, refusing to look the teacher in the eyes.

“Look, Dean, I’m not blind, I know you feel very uncomfortable around me. Have I done something that made you feel this way?” he urged. Dean exhaled, his breath trembling. His knees went weak and he had to sit down.

“I’m sorry Mr. Milton, I.. I can’t tell you. But, but it’s not you, you didn’t do anything. I’m happy that you’re so kind to my brother. This is my problem, I..” he sighed. He couldn’t tell him, could he? He’d say he well deserved what happened to him, for being stupid. He’d just be another one to say it. That he deserved it and it was his fault. Gabriel sat down next to him, still in a decent distance, but he needed Dean to communicate with him.

“Dean… your uncle told me you had some problems with the previous gym teacher. You… you might want to know that he’s in jail for molesting a boy at the sports club he was running in the afternoon,” Gabriel said quietly and as he predicted, Dean flinched and immediately looked at him with his eyes wide open, breath trembling. Then he turned his head away from him again, clenching his teeth.

“I punched that douchebag for making his brother bully Sam because of something he didn’t do and for pushing me on Charlie, she nearly fell on a radiator, could have hurt herself badly. I know I shouldn’t have done that at school, next time I’ll wait until we’re outside,” he said in a dull voice, lost in thoughts. Gabriel sighed. He didn’t know what happened between Dean and Alastair, but it wasn’t hard to guess.

“Alright, Dean. There might be consequences though, but I’ll try to put a good word for you. You know, I get it. I have a brother in your age and a nine years old sister. And I’m protective of them just like you. You are a good brother, Dean.”

“May I go?” Dean asked thickly without giving the teacher a single look.

 “Yes, Dean. I just want you to know that you are safe here. Nobody’s going to hurt you, especially not me. And if you ever needed to talk, I’m here for you.”

“I know,” Dean said under his breath and left the room, giving the teacher one last look. Little did he know Gabriel was the one who made the boy speak against Alastair. Then the sports club got closed and Gabriel took Alastair’s place at school later.

Dean still had some time of the break left, so he went to find Charlie.

“Dean!” she yelped as she saw his pale face. “What happened, what did Gabriel tell you?”

“Nothing, um, just, you know, I’m not supposed to punch douchebags at school. Anything happened here?”

“No. Michael didn’t come back yet and I think nobody from our class saw it. Oh, Dean, did you have to break his face? You’re gonna get in trouble,” Charlie sighed.

“If you actually fell when he pushed me on you, he’d be in the hospital now,” Dean said through his teeth.

***

“So if by any chance you get a call from school, now you know how it really happened,” Dean said after he told Bobby and Sam what happened that day. They were just having dinner and Bobby was in a good mood.

“Eh, kiddo! Such a troublemaker,” he chuckled. “Look Dean, you’re not a child so I won’t tell you shits about how you have to be nice to people. Did you punch him hard enough so he remembers it?”

“Yeah, he ran away to the nurse,” Dean grinned proudly. But Sam wasn’t happy about it.

“What if Lucifer will now start to bully me even more?” he whined.

“I’ll make sure he won’t,” Dean retorted.

“Good for that kid to get a proper punch. He comes to my shop sometimes and I’d really love to punch him myself. I knew his mother y’know. Horrible woman called Naomi. We went to elementary together and then she was sent to some fancy private school.”

“I wonder why she came back and had that douchebag,” Dean sighed. “Anyway, how’s your ankle doing, Sammy?”

“Better. I might go to school on Monday. Maybe.”

“Alright. Well, I’m going to finish my homework,” Dean said and rose from his chair.

“Are you going to do a research on which Michael’s bones to break as you promised him?” Sam grinned.

“I already know that,” Dean smirked as he put the empty plates and glasses to the dishwasher.

“Of course you do. Help me upstairs, please.”

***

_< < What are you doing? :)_

Dean was trying to work on his Biology and Math homework, but he couldn’t focus. There was a message from Castiel sent a couple minutes ago. Normally he would say he’s busy, but...

_> > Nothing much, just chillin with some music, you?_

_< < Watching some Disney movie with sis, nothing to do on Friday night, lame, huh? :) What music do you like?_

Dean wasn’t sure how it happened, but he agreed to hang out with Castiel on Saturday night.

Hang out, what the hell? He didn’t _hang out_ , that’s why he was using this app. Most people there didn’t want to hang out, just have sex and preferably never see each other again. But this guy was so friendly and nice, he didn’t have the heart to tell him the truth. And he really liked his sweet, innocent-looking face. If it would require a little work to get him, Dean didn’t mind.


	4. Wondering in the night, what were the chances?

Castiel wasn’t the first one playing hard to get. Maybe he just needed a little time to make sure Dean wasn’t some violent asshole – that would make sense. Dean sighed and went to Sam’s room. He was lying in bed, wrapped in two blankets like a burrito and was reading some book with a vampire on the cover.

“Oh Sammy don’t tell me you read those cheap books for teenage girls,” he grinned as he sat on his bed.

“No way dude, this is a good one, no glitter and shits,” Sam chuckled and put the book down. “What’s up?”

“Listen, I’m not sure about this Castiel..” Dean sighed and shared his concerns with his brother.

“He seems like a nice guy,” Sam said after a while of thinking.

“That’s the problem. Sammy, I don’t want to get attached in any way. He’s a relationship type.”

“You’re wrong. You’re _scared_ to get attached. Dean.. he really doesn’t seem like an abusive shit. And he’s your age, isn’t he?”

“Yeah,” Dean sighed, “but Sammy, this is not.. argh. I don’t know.”

“Just give it a shot,” Sam muttered.

“Did you know Mr. Milton has a younger brother and a little sister? He told me.. and that’s why he gets why I punched Michael.”

“Yeah, he mentioned them once or twice.” Dean sighed again.

“Thanks, Sammy. What about you? Any girl you like?”

“Um well, you.. you know Eileen Leahy, right?”

“That deaf girl whose mom teaches sign language once a week when we both have a free period and I can’t find you anywhere?” Dean grinned and Sam’s face turned bright red.

“Yes, her… I’ve been practicing a lot to be able to communicate with her better. And… um, I like her. She’s… kind… and smart… so smart, dude… and funny…”

“How do you make jokes in sign language?” Dean grinned.

“She _can_ speak, you know,” Sam retorted. “But you actually can make jokes in sign language, it’s still a language.”

“Okay, okay, don’t shoot me,” Dean laughed. “I didn’t mean to be rude. But it’s nice to see how you care for her.”

“Yeah,” Sam sighed, “I wish she asked me out, because I’m too afraid.”

“Leave it on me,” Dean smirked and rose from the bed.

“Dean?! Don’t you dare to do something stupid. What… where are you going?! Dean!” Sam yelled after him, but his brother was gone.

***

Next day in the late afternoon, just when Bobby was busy cooking dinner and Dean came out of the bathroom, the doorbell rang.

“I’ll get it!” Dean shouted towards the kitchen and slowly walked to the main door, holding a towel on his hips with one hand.

“Oh, hello,” he grinned at the visitor and quickly did a gesture in sign language that Sam taught him.

“Hey, Dean,” Eileen smiled shyly, trying to not stare at his well-built chest and strong arms.

“Sam is in his room, come,” Dean said, led her upstairs and knocked on Sam’s door.

“Sammy, Eileen’s here,” he called through the door and quickly disappeared in his own room, laughing for himself when Sam yelped a shocked “WHAT?!” At least Eileen couldn’t have heard him. However, Sam would be now glad if she was blind instead of deaf – his face turned bright red when he opened the door. At least he was fully dressed.

“H-hello,” he gave a weird smile and stepped back to let Eileen in.

“You didn’t know I was coming?” Eileen asked, gesturing along.

“Sorry Sammy, I forgot to tell you,” Dean yelled from his room. He was listening with a plastic cup on the wall. Sam didn’t answer him.

“I.. I.. no, um.. I just.. nevermind. Do you.. do you want to listen some music?” he stammered, his gestures were quite shaky. A loud hearty laugh from the room next door made him realize what a stupid thing he just said.

“How about we study a bit? As you promised me help with math?” Eileen smiled kindly. She didn’t have to hear him to see how nervous he was. It was the first time they were alone like this. Sam didn’t remember promising help with math, but he was grateful she didn’t get offended. It didn’t take him long to relax and chat with her just like any day at school. Dean didn’t want to interrupt their moment, so he left without saying a word. He wore his usual – plain t-shirt, leather jacket, worn jeans and heavy boots.

He met Castiel in Downtown at a place called Crawford’s. He clearly wanted to meet him somewhere with people around. _Classic scared kid_ , Dean thought. Maybe it was the first time he did something like this. Dean didn’t mind though, he wasn’t about to play some dirty game. And also he liked this place a lot, in fact, he took a few of his dates there for a drink, so it wasn’t new for him. But this guy seemed quite nervous.

“Relax, I’m not going to rape and murder you in a dark alley,” Dean chuckled when he had enough of his nervous babbling. They were sitting on a red leather couch quite close to the bar. Castiel has never been there, but liked the place a lot. “How about another drink?” Dean offered, didn’t even wait for the answer and went to buy them.

“Hey, Ellen, I’ll have some more, please,” he said to the middle-aged barmaid and opened his wallet.

“Just so you know Dean, that kid you brought here doesn’t look old enough to drink,” she noted with her eyebrows raised. “Any trouble is on you.” Dean grinned and nodded. He wasn’t old enough to drink either, but he looked older and acted older. He was rarely asked for an ID. To avoid any suspicion, he better grabbed the drinks and went back to Castiel, who seemed to be a bit more relaxed.

“So, now when you ensured me that you won’t murder me in a dark alley,” he joked and took a sip of his new drink, then Dean stepped in his probably prepared speech.

“Did you really think I’m some kind of a psycho?” he grinned.

“Well, no, but you never know. The one who looks most innocent is usually up to something, right? And this is.. well, this is the first time I go out with someone like.. like this. I’m not sure about that dating app,” Castiel chuckled nervously.

“Yeah, well, you’re right. You never know. It’s good you’re careful,” Dean nodded. Just after they started talking about music, Castiel’s phone started ringing. _Yeah, of course, now something happened and he has to go,_ Dean thought. That was a classic escape move. Castiel gave him an apologizing smile and looked at his phone.

“Uh, sorry, I have to answer this, it’s my little sister,” he said and tapped the green button. “Hey munchkin, what’s up? … Yes, you have to, because if you don’t, you won’t grow properly and will be small like Gabriel. … You need to listen to him. … Why? Because if not, we’ll send you to the school where he teaches and… good night,” Castiel grinned and ended the call. Dean was trying to not stare at him with horror in his eyes. Gabriel? Small? Teacher? That must be some really not funny coincidence. They had different surnames. Gabriel mentioned a younger brother and sister, but… nah, that must be just a coincidence. It _must_ be.

 “Sorry. My brother insists on earlier bedtime for our sister, how horrid of him, right? She called me to negotiate, but I already know what works on her,” he chuckled and took a sip of his drink. “This is _so_ good.”

“Isn’t that a job for your parents?” Dean frowned. He wasn’t really one to talk, but he was very well aware that people usually have caring parents.

“Well, it’s complicated,” Castiel sighed. He was about to continue, but Dean interrupted him.

“Hey, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I have issues myself, I get it.”

***

But as the night went on, when the boys left the bar to have a walk by the river, Castiel opened more.

“So Anna, the youngest one, is my sister and we both are Gabe’s half-siblings. Our mum had him from her first marriage. She died six years ago and Dad started working away from home so we’d have enough money. So we’re kinda raising her ourselves, sometimes it feels like we’re a couple,” he laughed, then realized what he said. “Um, okay, that was weird, you know what I mean, um.. eh..” His face went red with embarrassment.

“Yeah, don’t worry, I get it,” Dean chuckled, but then he got more serious. “That sucks though. How do you manage to be so optimistic and friendly?” Dean stopped walking and looked at him. Castiel turned to him and stepped a bit closer. Then he smiled carelessly and shrugged.

“There’s no other option, I guess. What else can I do, right? Pity myself? And for what? That’s life. Worse things happen to people. We still have each other.”

_We still have each other._

These words sounded in Dean’s head long after he gave Castiel a light good-night kiss and they parted their ways. When Dean came home, the whole house was dark and silent. Despite of that, he went to look at Sam. He was asleep. Dean was looking at him for a few moments, listening his calm breath. _We still have each other._ Dean sighed. What would he be without Sammy? Full of sentimental thoughts he closed the door and moved to his own room. Only then he realized that the evening didn’t go the usual way. It was strange. Not in a bad way. It was just… unusual. Dean hardly thought of what he was planning to do with this innocent looking boy. It was now weird when he opened so much. Dean could almost feel the strings that Castiel sent his way. He clearly wanted to be friends first. But Dean didn’t want to. He only wanted to fuck him and go on. Or did he?

***

_Dean was on his way to Bobby’s shop. He was in a good mood, listening to the music from his phone, singing along in his mind. The street was almost empty – it was a Tuesday morning and most people were at work. Dean was looking in front of him, lost in thoughts, when all of sudden he saw a face he recognized and he felt like his heart wanted to jump out of his chest and run, run away from what was about to happen. Dean turned around to walk away, but the man was walking to him from the other side now. Dean slipped into a tight alley between two big buildings and began to run. But then he realized, he can’t run. The faster he was trying to run, the slower he was actually moving and after a moment that felt like the whole eternity, he was unable to move at all. The man came up to him, slowly, taking his time, letting the heavy waves of fear roll over Dean, making him shiver and almost unable to breathe._

_“Long time no see, huh, Dean?” he smiled at him, but his eyes were ice-cold._


	5. And every night is the worst night ever

_“Y-you’re su-pposed to b-be in ja-jail,” Dean barely forced these words out of his throat and his voice sounded strange and distant. He was now shaking uncontrollably, trying to step away from the man, but he found himself cornered at the dead end with nowhere to escape._

_“That’s what Gabriel told you? How sweet,” Alastair grinned. “You and I need to have a little chat,” he added and Dean’s stomach squeezed unpleasantly. This is how he used to call their alone time in the gym office. He wanted to scream, call for help, but his mouth wouldn’t open. His vision was blurred and all he felt were Alastair’s hands touching parts of his body, uninvited and hurting._

_“No, no,” Dean whimpered hoarsely, he was trying to fight back, but his moves were too slow._

_“Be a good little boy,” the man grumbled_ and in that moment Dean woke up.

His heart was pounding fast, his bedding was soaked in sweat and his whole body was shaking. He sat up in bed, trying to turn on the light quickly, but he couldn’t find the switch for a few moments. When the warm light finally filled the room, Dean’s cheeks were wet with tears rolling down, blurring his vision just like in the dream. He sobbed and grabbed a box of tissues from his nightstand. He couldn’t stop shaking, he had to keep reminding himself to breathe. He wanted to scream, or run away, or go to Sammy’s room, or.. or.. he didn’t know what he wanted, his thoughts were bumping into one another in his confused mind. No, wait, he didn’t want to do any of those things! He didn’t want to wake Sammy. He didn’t want him to be worried. He stuck his head between his knees and squeezed it, trying to breathe properly. After a couple minutes he was able to think straight again. Or at least enough to relax a little bit, knowing there was no danger lurking for him and to lie back under the blanket. He spent a few more hours staring at the ceiling. There was no chance he would fall asleep, or at least he thought so. He didn’t _want_ to fall asleep. He was scared. Scared to sleep. Again. How could he so foolishly think that he could be normal again? How could he even think about some sort of a relationship? This Castiel was so nice. Dean was falling asleep that evening with a spark of hope that maybe, just maybe he could try. But… after this? There was no hope for him. What decent person wants dirty and damaged goods?

***

Dean didn’t sleep well even the next night. He was scared and spent a long time doing all sorts of things so he wouldn’t fall asleep. But he had to, he was too exhausted and he knew Sammy would notice something was wrong. He was keeping a small plastic bottle of sleep pills in the back of his nightstand drawer. A few times he thought about eating all of them at once, but he never did it. He just wouldn’t do this to Sammy and Bobby. Now he swallowed one small white pill and took a sip of water from a glass he put on his nightstand every night, since he often woke up sweaty and with dry throat. Then he put the pills back and hid them properly so Sam wouldn’t find them by accident. He woke up in the morning with a headache. It was still quite early, even before Sam would wake up, so Dean went to the kitchen quietly and rummaged through drawers to find some painkillers.

“Hey Dean,” a sleepy voice sounded behind him all of sudden and he winced.

“Um, hey Sammy, why are you up so early?”

“I was thirsty. Looking for something?” Sam answered and filled a glass with water.

“Yeah, I have a headache, have you seen some painkillers somewhere?” Sam frowned at this answer.

“In the bathroom, second drawer, just like the rest of pills, plasters, bandages and all other medical stuff. Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Dean muttered and left the room quickly to avoid more questions. After he found the pill he was looking for, he went back to bed. It was still too early.

***

_“It must be our secret, Dean. You don’t want to get us in trouble, do you?” the tall man said in a comforting sweet voice. The young boy was sitting on an old couch in the gym office, red in the face, shivering and looking at the floor. The man touched his chin with two long fingers and pushed it up a little._

_“I love you, Dean,” he said while looking him straight in the eyes. “I know you’ve been through bad things. I want you to know the better side too. So what do you say, will you keep it for yourself? You mustn’t tell anyone about what we did here so we can do it again.”_

_“Okay,” Dean whispered and the man leaned in to kiss him softly._

Dean opened his eyes wide and nearly gave out a scream. He sat up on bed, switched the light on and looked around, panting and sweating. He was alone. It was a dream. Not just a dream, it was a memory! He was shaking uncontrollably now, feeling those lusty hands on him again, all over his body, and what’s the worst thing, with his consent. He jumped out of bed like it was on fire and ran to the bathroom. He felt sick, he made it to the toilet right in time when his stomach forced its content out. He didn’t worry about waking up Bobby, since he usually slept like a bear in the middle of December, but Sammy might wake up. He tried to close the door with his foot, but the old hinges made lots of noise.

Dean had no power to make himself stand up and go back to his room. He just wiped his mouth and when he felt first tears running down his face, he just let them. Even the heartbreaking sob that made its way out of his throat. He was tired. Tired of being afraid to sleep, tired of nightmares, of awful memories and of being unable to let people close to him.

“Dean?” a low, anxious voice sounded above him. Dean didn’t see much of his brother, since the only light was moonlight coming through the bathroom window, but it was enough to reveal the pain in Dean’s face. Sam only needed one look to know.  He said no more and just sat beside him on the cold floor and tried to hug him as tight as he could. He was still smaller than Dean, though he was already as tall as him.

“I’m done, Sammy,” he whimpered. “I can’t anymore, I can’t, I don’t want to!”

***

Dean eventually told Sam to go back to bed. Sam didn’t know what Dean was doing then, but right after he woke up at about 5 o’clock with an anxious feeling, he went into his room to check on him. Dean was curled under two blankets with only a part of his head sticking out. Sam was watching him for a while, he seemed calm, didn’t do even the slightest move. But then Sam noticed a small white plastic bottle on Dean’s nightstand. He grabbed it and his heart started pounding fast as read the label.

“Dean!” he yelped, “Dean, Dean, Dean!” he started shaking his brother violently, tears rolling down his face, so sure it was too late.

“Ugh, what, what is it?” Dean grumbled in shock from being woken up so suddenly. “What, Sammy, what’s going on?!” he sat up quickly.  Sam threw himself around Dean’s neck.

“Oh, Dean!” he wailed, “I thought you did something stupid.” Dean didn’t understand at first, he thought Sam has had a bad dream or something, but then he noticed the bottle on the floor. He sighed and pulled Sam under the blanket.

“Sammy, look at me,” he said in a comforting voice when his brother snuggled up to him tightly, still sobbing softly. Sam pulled away a little to do as his brother said.

“How many did you have?” Sam asked.

“Only one, I promise. I only take them sometimes. Sammy, listen to me, I will never leave you. I wouldn’t hurt you like this, I need to protect you. Do you want to stay here?” he offered. Sam used to sneak to his bed quite often when they were younger, when he was afraid of Dad, or when he had nightmares. Now he hesitated. Wasn’t he too old for sleeping in bed with his brother? But then again… whatever. He just nodded.

“I swear there’s nothing between me and Gabriel, Dean,” he whispered urgently after a while. Dean didn’t answer, just rubbed his back gently to ensure his little brother that he believes him.

***

“I need to talk to you,” Dean sighed. He was sitting on a bench in the gym because he got hit in head with a ball a couple minutes ago, but insisted that he was okay and didn’t need to see the nurse. He was exhausted. They were playing soccer, but after Dean tripped over the ball a few times, Gabriel better made him a goalkeeper. He saw there was something wrong with him. And then he got hit in head pretty hard. After a while Gabriel came to sit next to him to ask if he really wasn’t hurt.

“Did something happen, Dean?” Gabriel frowned when he heard Dean’s insecure voice.

“Kinda. Not really. But… can I talk to you privately?” Dean asked meekly.

 “Sure, Dean. Do you have any free period today?”

“No. But… if, if it wouldn’t bother you.. I could stop by during the lunch break.”

“Of course. I’ll be in the gym office if that’s okay,” Gabriel said, looking Dean in the face for signs of nervousness. After he said that, the bell rang and Dean rose up from the bench to follow others to the cloakroom.

“Thank you,” he all but whispered and gave the teacher a grateful look. After he entered the cloakroom, Michael gave him a provocative glare.

“Lost in daydreams, Winchester?” he grinned. Nobody else said a word when Michael started picking on Dean. Nobody except Charlie liked Dean enough to get involved.

“Shut up,” Dean retorted and changed back to his school clothes quickly.

“You think he’s gonna love you?” Michael hissed in his ear as he was passing by him out of the room. Dean stared at him for a few seconds, but he didn’t look back. All of sudden he felt sick. He was constantly afraid what Michael might tell people, even though he was too much of a coward to tell anyone what he knew. The thing is – they used to be friends. Before all the shit happened. And Dean trusted him. He told him what happened with Alastair. And Michael said that he deserved everything what happened to him. For being stupid. And then they weren’t friends anymore. Dean wasn’t really sure they were ever friends at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to comment, I don't bite ;)


	6. Feel you scratching at the surface

Dean knocked on the door. He didn’t even have lunch yet, right after the bell rang he packed his stuff and went straight to the gym office.

“Come in.”

Dean opened the door slowly, checking if the teacher was alone. Well, who else would be there anyway? Dean closed the door and sat down on the couch.

“You look worried, Dean. What happened?” Gabriel asked softly and sat down next to him.

“I just… it’s silly, but… are you sure _he_ is in jail?” Dean sighed. He couldn’t even say his name out loud.

“Yes, Dean, he’s there and he’s not getting out any time soon. Would you.. would you like to see him? Or… what? Why are you asking?”

“No!” Dean blurted, only that thought itself made his heart start pounding faster. “It’s… ah. I just.. I just had this weird dream.. now I realize how silly it is,” he scoffed, but his voice was still insecure.

“Do you have dreams about him? Like nightmares? Do you have them often?” Gabriel asked as if he got some idea.

“Yeah… often would be quite accurate,” Dean sighed. “More like all the time since.. since then. It’s been better lately, but not much. Why?”

“Well.. it’s only a suggestion, please don’t feel like I’m forcing you to do something, but a friend of mine is a very good psychologist. You might like to talk to her. She’s very kind and professional.” Dean caught a glimpse of pain in Gabriel’s eyes. So it must have been personal. _Of course,_ Dean thought. _Castiel mentioned his mother’s death._ There must be a connection. He was trying to not think about Castiel being Gabriel’s brother. It was weird enough just to know. He was wondering if Gabriel knew. _Did he know that his brother had a date with one of his students?_ That sounded so weird in Dean’s head.

“Dean?” Gabriel interrupted his thoughts.

“Yeah.. um.. I.. I don’t know.. I’ve never really talked about it very much to anyone,” Dean mumbled.

“Maybe you should. Sharing pain makes it easier to bear. I’ll call her anyway to let her know you might need her. She works from home and only sometimes because she has a small child now, but she’d be happy to help you,” Gabriel said and wrote a few things on a sticky note. Dean looked at it. It was a name – Missouri Moseley, phone number and address.

“Thank you,” he sighed and put the note into his wallet. “I’ll think about it. I.. I really appreciate your care,” he said because he felt like he wasn’t grateful enough, but Gabriel got suspicious.

“Dean… do you have anyone to talk to about problems? Do you talk about things that worry you with your brother and uncle?” he asked. He didn’t mean to pry, but now he was pretty concerned.

“W-well, yeah, pretty much, but.. my uncle has no idea about this. I told him that we had big disagreements but.. but I never told my uncle what really happened. I just… I couldn’t, you know… I was so embarrassed and scared, and stupid… I just… I was afraid he’d start looking at me differently and… I wouldn’t handle it, he.. he.. he and Sammy are the only family I have…” Dean’s voice broke and tears started wetting his cheeks. He was holding it inside for way too long. The breaking point must have come and there was no way to stop now, no matter how much he was trying. “Please, please don’t tell him. I know you think you should, but, but please, you mustn’t, please,” he whimpered, his voice was wobbly and words hard to understand. He was clearly having an emotional breakdown, so Gabriel did the only thing he could think of at the moment, knowing it wasn’t the best idea, he shifted on the couch and wrapped his arms around the crying boy. He winced a bit, but didn’t push him away.

“I won’t, Dean, I promise, please stop crying, someone might come,” Gabriel sighed and took his hands off Dean; instead he started rubbing his back gently just like when Sam sprained his ankle.

“I’m sorry,” Dean mumbled and grabbed a pack of tissues that Gabriel handed him.

“You should talk to your uncle. When I talked to him the other day… I mean, I didn’t tell him what happened to you because I didn’t know for sure, but he cares about you more than you can imagine. He loves you so much Dean, you should tell him.” There was silence for a while. Dean managed to calm down and washed his red face with cold water so nobody could tell he was crying.

“I should go have some lunch. But… thank you. For everything,” he said then, but didn’t look at the teacher.

“Anytime, Dean.” After that, Dean left the room and hurried to the school cafeteria to eat something quickly. He nearly bumped into Charlie who was on her way out.

“Dean! Where have you been?” she asked but he passed by her without notice. Charlie frowned, she didn’t like to be ignored. And she felt like Dean’s been keeping something from her lately, and he was ignoring her the whole weekend! Oh, she had no idea how much he was keeping from her. She knew nothing about Dean’s affair with Alastair and that made her another close person Dean couldn’t have talked to about it. He didn’t tell her then and what would she think if he told her now? That he doesn’t trust her. And it would be the better thing she could think. Charlie waited until Dean sat down with his lunch and then she walked up to him.

“Dean? Care to talk to me?” she demanded with hands crossed over her chest. Then she noticed something. “Dean, are you okay?” she urged in a low voice and sat down on a chair next to him. “Dean, you were crying!” she whispered. “What happened?!”

“Nothing,” Dean mumbled grumpily with his mouth full. He looked like a hamster while trying to eat his lunch as fast as possible.

“Don’t choke on that burger,” Charlie said bitterly and left swiftly, not even looking back once. Dean didn’t mean to upset her, but he was upset himself and he really didn’t feel like talking. That’s why he was playing a hamster. He didn’t have a chance to talk to Charlie for the rest of the day, but he was chatting with Castiel quite a bit. They moved their conversation to WhatsApp and Dean learned really soon that Castiel _loves_ emoticons. What a silly thing can make someone happy. Dean already knew that Castiel got excited about the most ordinary things. But he kinda liked it about him. What he found even weirder, he didn’t feel like matching with new guys on Tinder. All of sudden they were all _so_ annoying! No, he wasn’t falling in love. But he felt like he discovered a new form of communication. He wasn’t used to an ordinary chat about the most common things with guys he met on Tinder. For quite a long time his whole conversations consisted of getting to know what the other one prefers in bed and nothing more. He never dared to go any further, not to mention that the other side usually didn’t want to know him any more either. But this… this felt good in a completely new way. Just simply and ordinarily good. It was a small thing and he was quite happy about it. _Maybe I could be happy about small things too._ Dean scoffed for himself. So silly. He was still wondering if Castiel told his brother about that date. Gabriel didn’t seem to know anything, which meant he didn’t know about Castiel using a dating app. Well of course, Dean didn’t tell anyone either.

_< < So today after school I went to this antiques and books shop, I had no idea it was here and there was a grumpily looking man behind the counter but then he was really nice, I guess he thought I was looking for trouble lol and I found a really old small hand mirror, my sis loves this kind of stuff soooo long story short now I’m her favorite brother _

There was about a million emoticons through the whole text. But that’s not why Dean was staring at the screen. A grumpily looking man? Antiques and books shop? Ugly old mirror nobody wanted to buy for years? Shit. Shit shit shit. And if he wasn’t totally sure he was at Bobby’s shop, Castiel sent him a picture of an adorable smiling girl holding that hideous thing.

_> > Cool! This is not exactly my style, but yeah, she seems to like it ;) I’m into old cars, I have a ‘67 Chevy Impala, used to be my father’s_

The next message didn’t come as quickly as usual, Castiel was probably googling.

_< < WOW!!! I’d LVOE to have a ride in tis beauty!n! :)_

Dean chuckled at those typos, Castiel was certainly excited.

_< < *LOVE *this_

_< < :)_

_Whatever,_ Dean thought while typing a reply with a soft smile on his face. He loved when people complimented his car.

_> > Maybe I could arrange that ;)_

_> > But I’m busy during the week_

_< < Don’t worry, me too. Being the head of a household (when big bro is not home) is not easy :) We can get back to it later. Gotta do homework with Anna, bye for now :( :)_

_> > Bye :)_

“What the fuck are you doing, man,” Dean sighed when he put the phone down.

“And what are you doing?” Sam asked with his mouth full of popcorn. “Want some?” he offered – he was holding a bowl in one hand. Dean winced, he had no idea Sam was there. He was that deep in his conversation.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?” Sam frowned and swallowed popcorn that was still in his mouth. Then he sat down on the couch next to his brother and dropped the bowl on his lap to have free hands while searching for the remote.

“Ow, dude, careful! Precious stuff here!” Dean scolded him when the plastic bowl landed hardly. “And when you are asking, I just arranged a date with Cas. Apparently. It... was an accident.” Sam laughed heartily.

“How do you arrange a date by accident?”

“Well there are two ways. You either have an asshole for a brother or you are an idiot,” Dean grinned when he remembered the ‘date’ he arranged for Sam and Eileen.

“Which makes you both,” Sam chuckled and turned the TV on. “By the way thanks for inviting Eileen over. We... we have a date tomorrow after school.”

“Whoa, good job! Where are you taking her?”

“I don’t know yet, but.. but..” Sam sneezed.

“Are you getting sick?” Dean frowned.

“Nah, I’m fine.”

***

 “Dean, Dean I screwed up, I screwed up so fucking much! You won’t believe what happened, dude!” Sam cried right after the front door closed behind him the next day. Dean was trying his hardest to not laugh. He was in the kitchen preparing pasta salad with chicken for dinner as Sam asked him the day before. Sam kicked his shoes off, dropped his schoolbag and then he headed straight to the kitchen.

“Deeeaaan!” he whined. His older brother was really trying, he was biting the inside of his cheeks, but he couldn’t fight the grin. From Sam’s voice he knew that something really embarrassing and not tragic happened.


	7. Just one more moment, that’s all that’s needed

“What happened, Sammy? Did you try to kiss her and sneezed in her mouth? I heard you sneezing in the morning, that happens,” Dean was really trying his best, but he couldn’t keep a straight face. Sam gave out a frustrated whine and sat on the chair heavily.

“Worse!”

“Did you ask her what kind of music she likes?” Dean grinned.

“Shut up! I screwed up, Dean! We went to a café that is run by deaf people, some friends of hers, so, everybody there know sign language perfectly. And I was so fucking nervous that I was talking total shits aaand, apparently I called her friend a stinky cat. And I had no idea, she only told me when we left! I’m done, Dean, she won’t speak to me again,” Sam explained and Dean had to turn his back to him so Sam wouldn’t see the tears of laughter on his red face as he was trying his best to not laugh, but his shaking shoulders gave him out.

“Dean, stop laughing at me!” Sam shouted, tears appearing in his eyes. His tone really made Dean stop. It was a real tragedy for Sam. He took a deep breath and turned back to his little brother. Sometimes he forgot how young Sammy was and that many things were new to him. He’s never been in love before.

“Oh Sammy, don’t worry, I’m sure Eileen won’t be mad at you for long. She knows you’re doing your best,” he smiled softly and gave him a hug. “It’s gonna be fine, and if not, I’ll talk to her, I promise.”

“I hope so,” Sam sighed.

***

Dean spent a big part of his evening chatting with Castiel. He found it hard keep his distance. This jolly boy was getting under his skin and it made him feel insecure. Yet, he couldn’t prevent telling him more and more things about himself. The very next day Castiel decided to surprise Dean in the shop. He didn’t go right after school – first he had to walk Anna home, give her lunch and take her for a dance class. But right after that they headed to the shop together.

“So he’s like your boyfriend now? Do you two kiss?” she asked as they were walking away from the dance studio. She was still wearing her dance costume – a purple tutu, black leggings and white top. Her hair was made into a perfectly neat French plait that Castiel fixed for her after class.

“He’s not and don’t you dare to ask about it when we are there,” Castiel warned her and she giggled and grabbed her big brother’s hand. She kept holding on it even when they entered the shop.

“Whoa!” she exhaled in amazement. “May I look around?”

“Yes but don’t touch anything,” Cas smiled and the little girl ran to the other end of the shop. Castiel was looking for Dean, but he wasn’t behind the counter. After a few moments he heard distant voices.

“Hello!”

“Hi.. um, did you get lost? Where are your mommy and daddy?” Dean asked the little girl, full of concern. Children didn’t really visit this shop.

“No, I’m here with my brother. Castiel! Dean’s here!” she screamed across the whole shop. His face turned red as he heard approaching footsteps and then saw Dean coming from behind a tall bookshelf.

“Hey!” Dean grinned, trying to hide his surprise and a slight discomfort. What the hell was Castiel doing here?! “Did you come to buy another thing we can’t sell for years? You’ll get 10% off with the third one.”

“Maybe,” Cas chuckled, “I wanted to see you and I couldn’t leave her at home,” he explained then.

“We went here straight from my dance class, he didn’t even do my hair properly, he was in such a hurry!” the little girl blurted with a mischievous grin across her freckled face.

“Whoa, Castiel, shame on you, how can you neglect something as important as your little sister’s hair?” Dean pretended to be extremely resentful and that made the girl laugh.

“I like this one, keep him,” she advised to her big brother and took off to the other part of the shop swiftly.

“Such a bigmouth,” Castiel laughed nervously.

“She’s sweet,” Dean smiled. “I’ve always wanted a sister, that’s why Sam grows his hair long,” he chuckled.

“Shut up, jerk!” a voice from a room behind the counter said.

“Get a haircut, bitch!” Dean called back and grinned at Castiel. “We’re not arguing, that’s our normal talk,” he said when he noticed Castiel’s puzzled frown. He was used to a very different brotherly relationship.

“Okay,” he scoffed and wanted to continue, but Dean wasn’t paying attention to him.

“Hey Sam, when is Lady Bevell coming?” he all but yelled towards the other room.

“Any minute, you better practice your ‘yes, madam’ and ‘no, madam’,” Sam answered with a load of disgust in his voice. “It’s your turn, I’m staying here in safety.”

“Ah how I hate that moldy bitch,” Dean clenched his teeth and finally turned back to Castiel. “I need to go to the back room for a sec, feel free to look around, but please, make sure your sister doesn’t break anything and when that hag in a pantsuit appears here, don’t let Anna get very close if you don’t want her to end up locked in a gingerbread cottage,” he said and walked away.

“A gingerbread cottage? Sounds yummy,” Anna said sarcastically all of sudden and Castiel flinched in shock. He had no idea she was behind him. “Who was he talking about?”

“No idea. Do you want to see some books? Maybe they have something for children too,” Castiel offered.

“Sure. I like it here,” the little girl said. “Maybe we could visit more often,” she added and walked to the high and wide bookshelf. There were two of them standing back-to-back and she started reading titles on the books in the middle shelf, without touching of course.

“Okay, I’m going over there,” Cas said and went to the back of the store. Anna picked one of the books and started browsing through it. She was so interested in it that she didn’t hear the front door open behind her back. If she looked that way, she would see a tall woman with blonde hair and strict face, dressed in an expensive pantsuit.

“Good afternoon, madam,” Dean’s deep voice made Anna flinch and drop the book. He just walked out of the back room swiftly to not let his customer wait. The little girl picked the book, turned around quickly and nearly yelped – the woman truly looked intimidating in Anna’s eyes. She put the book back into the shelf just when Castiel walked up to her and grabbed her forearm to drag her away from that woman.

“Did you expand your business, dear? Daycare?” the woman asked with a slight smirk, but she wasn’t joking. If you asked Anna what she hates the most, she would say scornful people. And this woman seemed to be considering most people as second-class citizens. If you asked Dean, he would confirm this thought and add a few not-that-nice words.

“No, madam, she, she’s my friend’s sister,” Dean stuttered and forced a respectful smile and tone.

“I see. Well, I hope no nuisance will occur during my visit,” she said with an ice-cold smile, eyeing Anna like she was a big slimy toad until she disappeared in the back room.

“No, madam. Do you wish to see the table you asked about last week? I cleaned and polished it myself,” Dean offered to push the conversation in other direction.

“Yes, dear,” she gave him a condescending smile and followed him to the very back of the shop. Meanwhile…

“What the hell, Castiel?! You let her talk about me like that?!” Anna was rightfully outraged, but didn’t dare to raise her voice in the back room of the shop.

“I.. I..” Castiel stammered.

“Anna,” Sam sighed, “I’m sorry but we all have to get along with her, she’s a bitch, but she’s rich and likes antiques and doesn’t know much about them. We kinda need her.” When Sam noticed Lady Bevell’s car through the shop window, he gestured to Castiel to come there with Anna and then he closed the thick, heavy curtain. “You just came here in the worst time possible.”

“I’m sorry, Sam, I had no idea,” Cas sighed. “I just wanted to surprise Dean, but he doesn’t seem very happy to see me,” he scoffed.

“That’s just because of her. And also because he’s not really used that people want to do small nice things for him, okay? Remember that.” Castiel didn’t understand why Sam was telling him this, but he just nodded. They could hear Dean’s and Lady Bevell’s voices through the curtain. She was pretty snooty and he was all ‘yes, madam’ and ‘no, madam’. It was ridiculous. After about ten more minutes Dean opened the curtain swiftly with a wide, triumphant grin on his face and waved a piece of paper in front of Sam’s eyes.

“Sammy, guess who’s got a nice fresh check signed by bitch Bevell herself!” he howled. Now it was him again.

“Good job!” Sam grinned and patted his shoulder. Dean then pulled his walled out of the back pocket and gave it to Sam.

“Pie,” was all he needed to say. Sam just chuckled and left.

“Sorry about that, guys,” Dean sighed when the front door closed behind Sam. “You really came in the worst time possible. Anyway, do you wanna look around the shop?”

“Yes!” Anna yelped and ran out of the back room.

“So you help your uncle with the shop often?” Castiel asked after a while of awkward silence. Dean nodded.

“Yeah, yeah, as often as I can. He doesn’t let me be here too often because of school, but I still manage to help a lot. I can do my school stuff here, it’s not like we have many customers anyway,” he sighed.

“That’s why your dignity needs to step away when Lady Bevell shows up,” Castiel half-asked, half-stated.

“It’s for family,” Dean retorted irritably. “Dignity doesn’t pay for food and house.”

“I didn’t mean to be rude. I’d do the same, that’s for sure,” Castiel said soothingly. Dean gave him a long look and then nodded. They were very similar in some ways. And so different in other. Castiel noticed a couple of biology books.

“You are into biology, hm?” he asked with a soft smile. He reached for them and looked at Dean for approval, when he didn’t seem to mind, Castiel picked the one hiding under the school biology book - a thick blue one titled Basic Pathology.

“Wow,” he frowned when he opened it on a random page and started reading. Dean looked at him with his eyebrows raised, waiting for reaction. Some people thought he was a psycho when they found what he was studying in his free time.

“I would never remember all this. You must be so smart. Do you want to be a pathologist or it’s just a hobby? Just, like, to learn how to kill someone with a toothbrush?” Castiel grinned. Dean burst in laughter. He didn’t expect this reaction and he relaxed immediately. He’s also never been called smart by someone he met on Tinder.

“I can also make it look like an accident,” he smirked.

“Should I be worried?” Castiel asked playfully with a wink.

“I can also stimulate the right spots on your body to make you feel fucking good while naming them. In Latin,” Dean said in a low voice. Castiel exhaled shakily and shifted a bit closer.

“Really?” he whispered. Dean nodded with a mischievous half-smile.

 “Hello? Anybody here?” a voice came from the shop and hit Dean like a hammer. Castiel noticed a sudden shock and discomfort in his eyes just before Dean jumped on his feet and ran out of the back room.


	8. Take a breath, I pull myself together

Castiel sighed and walked out just a while after Dean. The interrupting voice belonged to a petite girl with flaming red hair whom Dean was hugging and telling something Castiel didn’t hear.

“Hey, hey, it’s fine, okay? We’ll talk,” the girl said soothingly, but then she’s noticed Castiel, red in the face.

“Um… did I interrupt you guys?”

“Ah.. umph..” Dean opened his mouth, but no proper words came out.

“You didn’t, don’t worry, I was just about to leave anyway,” Castiel said and walked out of the door. Then he stopped and went back.

“Anna!” he called after his sister. She peeked from behind one of the overfilled shelves.

“Yeah?”

“We gotta go,” he said and Dean frowned at his tone. Surprisingly, Anna didn’t protest at all and followed his big brother.

“But we will come again, right?” she asked as she was passing Dean and Charlie.

“I’m sure you will,” Charlie winked at Castiel. Anna stopped and looked at her for a couple seconds. Then she grinned and walked out of the shop with Castiel.

“So this is what you weren’t telling me? You have a boyfriend?!” Charlie squealed in pure excitement and clapped her hands. As far as she remembered, Dean’s never had a boyfriend. So that was why he was keeping it secret, didn’t want to jinx it or something?

“No, no, Charlie, listen, he’s not my boyfriend, I—“

“Working on it, got it!” Charlie interrupted him with a wide grin. “He looks so cute! Sorry for interrupting you, but you texted me to come, if you said you had a company I would just come to your house later.” Dean didn’t have the heart to tell her this was a complete misunderstanding. She was too excited to think rationally. He sighed.

“Charlie… there are some things I didn’t tell you, but you need to understand… I couldn’t. I was ashamed and afraid you would turn your back to me like Michael did. I.. I know I’m being ridiculous, but.. but.. I couldn’t lose your, Charlie, you need to understand..” he started babbling and Charlie’s smile disappeared at once.

“Dean, what are you talking about? I promise I won’t think anything bad about you,” she all but whispered, utterly terrified now. “And Michael? Is there a reason he’s such a dick to you?” she frowned.

“Yes, yes, I’m sorry I didn’t tell, you, I.. I didn’t tell anyone and.. and..” his voice was trembling.

“Pie for the master seller! Hey Charlie!” Sam called from the door. “Listen, Dean, I’m going, okay? I have a shitload of homework and Eileen is coming later.”

“So you fixed it with her?” Dean asked, glad that Sam stepped in.

“Well it took a lot of apologizing and begging, probably not even necessary and, yeah, we’re good. She wasn’t really mad, I guess,” Sam explained, grabbed his stuff and left. Dean sighed then.

“I need to tell you something. I feel bad for not telling you before, okay? But I’m going to tell you now,” Dean said and locked the front door. He had this small cardboard sign saying that shop is closed for a while, so he put it on the door and affixed it with a piece of tape. Then he walked Charlie to the back room and closed the curtain.

“So,” he sighed when he sat down on a chair, “after.. after I moved to Sioux Falls.. I.. had a relationship. Sort of. I’ve never had anyone before. And it was.. it was a bad thing, with an older, much older guy and.. well me and Michael were quite close that time.. and.. I told him I wasn’t sure if it was okay.. and.. he convinced me that it was, so, so I accepted it and.. but it just got worse..” he cleared his throat and hesitated, didn’t know how to continue.

“Like… abusive? Did he beat you? Or.. or rape?” she whispered the last word as if she was afraid to say it.

“No… technically. I.. I never said no to him. You.. you know.. I.. well, you know my father was a jerk.. and.. and.. when.. this.. person.. told me that he loved me.. and.. was nice to me.. I.. I just.. wanted it.. I wanted someone like him.. to give me some.. affection.. does it make sense?” he looked at her. Now when he said it out loud… it was absurd.

“You wanted to be loved so much… you let him abuse you just to get some nice words,” Charlie whispered in a dull voice. She was in shock. She would never guess something like this happened to Dean. He was a good pretender. She remembered that he was strange every now and then, but she just thought he was tired. She knew what family situation he was in. That he had to be a parent for Sam instead of being a child and even though they had Bobby now, Dean didn’t change that. He must have been exhausted.

“Pretty much,” Dean sighed. He felt so relieved when he told Charlie. “So… then I had enough of it and.. told him I can’t continue. He got mad and he.. like seriously mad, I was really scared then. Luckily it was at the end of the school year, almost two years ago. I didn’t go out much the whole summer because I was scared. And… in September he was just gone. And Michael wasn’t my friend. He said I deserved it, and—“

“Whoa, wait!” Charlie yelped. “End of school year and September, does that mean…” her jaw dropped and the shock in her eyes could never be faked. She couldn’t believe it. She knew that relationship between Dean and Alastair was not the usual student-teacher one, but this? Dean just nodded. He didn’t look at her. If there was a single sign of judging in her face, he wouldn’t handle it.

“Oh Dean…” she whispered. “Why didn’t you tell someone? Oh.. oh Dean.. that’s so horrible!” her voice broke and when Dean finally looked at her, she had tears in her eyes. He grabbed her hand.

“I’m okay, Charlie, I promise. But I really needed to tell someone. I’m sorry I upset you.”

“Upset me?! Are you serious? Dean, you must tell someone! He can’t get away with it!” she blurted, wiping tears quickly. “Oh Dean, I can’t believe you were holding it for so long!”

“Okay, okay, listen to me. Are you listening? He’s in jail. Not because of me, but some other boy. Mr. Milton told me,” Dean said in a low voice. That astonished Charlie.

“Gabriel? I thought you hated him. So you told him about it?” she frowned.

“W-well, it’s not like I hated him.. it was just.. you know, a friendly gym teacher, I’ve been there before, um, I was.. I was afraid he could be dangerous to Sam. Of course I know it’s bullshit, okay? I know Mr. Milton is a good man. He… he’s been very kind to me. I didn’t tell him much, but… but he must know, since he knows what happened with that other boy.”

“Dean…” Charlie started, but she didn’t know what to say.

“And he gave me a number, um, to a psychologist, some friend of his. He said.. I should go talk to her,” Dean sighed. Of course he didn’t tell Charlie everything. When he saw how it upset her, he couldn’t. But even this was an incredibly huge relief to him.

“You should. I mean, you can tell me everything, but I can’t give you a good advice. She would know better what to tell you. You should talk to her.”

“You think so?” Dean sighed again.

“Yeah, definitely.”

“Okay, I.. I’ll think about it. Thank you, Charlie.”

“So… this guy that was here…” Charlie started carefully.

“I met him online. We had a date and… he’s really nice, but I.. I don’t know. He seems to be very… affectionate. And I don’t know if I can handle that,” Dean sighed.

“I really think you should talk to this psychologist. I can’t give you a good advice, I don’t know what it’s like to be abused.” Dean sighed at her response. He really wasn’t sure, but Charlie was right.

***

“So how long are they gonna be away?” Dean checked again when he parked the Impala in front of Castiel’s house. He really wouldn’t like to run into his teacher right now. It was a Saturday evening. Dean fulfilled his promise about giving Cas a ride in his car, which he really enjoyed. Now, however, it was time for another kind of a ride.

“Until tomorrow morning, at least,” Castiel answered and stepped out of the car. Gabriel and Anna went to visit Gabriel’s grandfather. Castiel and old Mr. Milton didn’t like each other and the boy was very creative in making excuses. This time it was just homework, but it was actually true. The house wasn’t big, but it was very well kept and nicely decorated. One would never guess that two guys were in charge.

“I wouldn’t guess you were religious,” Dean noted when he found a small collection of angel figures in the living room. They looked very old. Castiel smiled.

“Those belonged to Mom. She was very religious, that’s why my brother is named after archangel, I am named after angel and Anna after some prophetess.”

“Oh. I actually wanted to ask you about that name, I’ve never heard it before,” Dean chuckled. “So what do you wanna do?”

“Um… I don’t know,” Cas said nervously. Dean smiled, pulled him closer by his hips and placed a gentle kiss on his lips.

“How about this?” he all but whispered and kissed him again, slowly opening Cas’s mouth and slipping his tongue inside. He was so close to him he could actually feel how Castiel’s heart went crazy. Dean didn’t mean to push on him, they had plenty of time. Dean rubbed the small of his back with one hand and pushed him a little bit closer.

“Tell me what you like,” he muttered into the kiss and moved the hand from Castiel’s back towards his crotch, just touching him lightly, but even that light touch made the younger boy flinch.

“I.. I’m not sure about this,” he stuttered and pulled away.

“Why?” Dean asked, smiling. He knew Cas only got nervous.

“B-because..” his cheeks were flushing red out of arousal and nervousness.

“Wait, are you a virgin? Tell me if you are,” Dean interrupted him in a serious voice and caressed his red cheek with back of his fingers. “It’s fine,” he ensured him. Castiel sighed.

“No, but.. it’s.. it’s not like I have had sex many times, um.. and.. it wasn’t very good,” he looked away, he was expecting Dean to laugh at him. When he mentioned it to other guys on Tinder, they did. Or they didn’t even talk to him anymore. Dean smiled and pulled him closer again.

“That’s okay. I’ll be very very gentle,” he muttered in Cas’s ear and nibbled it softly. “But the question is,” he continued, making Castiel’s heart pound faster just with his hot breath, “do you want me to?”


	9. Here I am, rock you like a hurricane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, here we are, here we have some smut. But is it that easy?

Yes, yes, YES! Castiel wanted him to. Blood from his brain moved much lower and he wasn’t able to think straight anymore.

“I take it as yes,” Dean chuckled when he felt Castiel’s boner on his thigh. Dean stepped closer to make Cas step back, all the way towards the couch while he undid his belt and unzipped his jeans. Then he started pulling them down while he made Cas sit down. He did his math – Castiel wouldn’t last long, not for the first time. So if he wanted to have more fun later, he needed to give him something now. He kneeled in front of the couch, removed Cas’s jeans and with a little of his help pulled his boxers down to his ankles where Cas kicked them off. His breath was quite unsteady; he’s never had a blowjob before. When he told Dean, he just smiled and winked at him with a promise of some good time in his eyes. Then he didn’t wait for anything else, he wanted to give Cas the most intense experience, so he leaned in and took his full length in his mouth, deep-throating him in one smooth movement. Castiel threw his head back and gasped at the heat and wetness of Dean’s mouth. His tongue was twisting around him and Castiel’s vision was blurring out of the overwhelming pleasure. He exhaled heavily and made a strange noise he wasn’t sure was completely natural. When Dean let him out of his mouth to get some air in his lungs, Cas looked down at him. His face was red and the playful smirk he had again made Cas shiver. Dean, without breaking eye contact, stuck his tongue out and gave his tip a thorough lick. Castiel whined and threw his head back again. He’s never thought it could be this intense. Dean then started working on the rest of his member with a hand, focusing his mouth on the tip. He knew he was driving the other boy crazy.

“D-Dean!” Castiel cried after a few moments, panting heavily and shivering. Dean didn’t need more, he knew that tone. He took his full length in his mouth again, as far as possible and gave him a few last hard licks before Castiel came down his throat. Dean was holding and sucking him gently until he ran out of air and then let go, panting as well for the lack of air. He looked up at the smaller boy. He was a panting mess, red in the face. He was so adorable. So innocent.

“You okay?” Dean chuckled when Cas just lied there with his mouth slightly open for about ten seconds.

“Yeah,” Cas said weakly and looked at him. “I just saw all the stars.”

“Well technically I’m not a star, I just know how to suck cock,” Dean grinned and Castiel gave a small laugh.

“It was amazing,” he said then.

“And I just started,” Dean winked and pulled him up. Cas wanted to pick his underwear and jeans from the floor, but Dean gave him an amused look.

“You won’t need those. Where is your bedroom?”

“Um, up-upstairs, but, but it’s messy,” Castiel stuttered.

“You’re adorable,” Dean scoffed and pulled Castiel closer. “I promise I will only notice your bed and you,” he ensured him between kisses he started placing on his neck. His hands started moving down Castiel’s body and cupped his butt.

“Mmm,” he murmured and gave a soft squeeze. “Come on,” he whispered then and let the half-naked boy lead him to his bedroom. There were three bedrooms and a bathroom upstairs. Two of the doors were very nicely decorated with stickers, one with thick colorful letters ANNA, flowers and My Little Pony characters. Dean chuckled, it was cute. The other one had black, elegant letters CASTIEL with an angel wing on each side.  The room wasn’t really as messy as Dean expected, it was actually tidier than his own. Castiel probably had different cleaning standards. Dean looked around. He wasn’t used to this kind of bedrooms, so personal. Most of the guys he was with had their grown-up places or didn’t have their bedrooms decorated with stuff from their whole life. Dean could tell that this was Castiel’s room since he was a baby. It had a… character. Atmosphere. It felt odd. Not in a bad way, just… just simply odd.

“Nice,” Dean nodded, he didn’t really know if he was supposed to say something.

“Thanks,” Castiel muttered, quickly putting some things away. Dean gave a small laugh.

“Hey, man, just leave it. I really wouldn’t judge you even if you had hot-pink thongs hanging from the ceiling light, okay?” After this, Castiel found himself genuinely laughing. He finally relaxed. He didn’t even mind anymore that he was half naked. He wasn’t used to walk around like this though, he didn’t want to give his sister trauma.

“Alright then, I’ll remember that. Um, I’ll put some music on,” he said, tension leaving him slowly. He walked up to an old Hi-Fi system with huge speakers. Dean would point out that this was ancient, but he had to hide some of his own stuff from archeologists. So he better rummaged through a messy box full of CD cases, looking for something appropriate for the situation. After a while he just focused on finding something he knew. Apparently they had different music taste, but at least he didn’t find any hip-hop there, he wouldn’t get over that.

“Placebo Mix 3?” he read a hand-written title on one of the CDs with his eyebrows slightly raised.

“Uhm… you like them?” Castiel asked. He was watching Dean for a while now.

“Yeah, yeah, I like a few songs. Is this one good?” Dean looked at him.

“I’d take this one,” Cas chuckled and pulled another CD from the box.

“Number six, okay, I guess you prepared a CD for every occasion,” Dean laughed and waited for Castiel to turn the music on. Then he drew a box of condoms and a packet of lube from his back pocket and put them on the nightstand. He noticed Castiel’s relieved face when he saw the condoms.

“Never let anyone who you don’t know really well to fuck you without condom and you don’t that either, you understand? STDs are not fun,” Dean said in a serious voice. Castiel just nodded and forced a smile, he didn’t know what to say.

 _It's hard to reconcile_  
What I've become  
With the wounded child  
Hiding deep inside

He desperately wanted to sing along, but he figured it wouldn’t be appropriate in this situation. He actually wasn’t sure what would be. Dean, on the other hand, knew all the right moves. He stripped out of his jeans and t-shirt casually and gently pushed Castiel by his hips towards the bed. When the smaller boy lied down, Dean climbed up above him and gave him a few sloppy, wet kisses, while his right hand was tracing the line of Castiel’s side.

“Ah,” Castiel moaned softly when Dean moved to his neck, nibbling and sucking it softly, following reactions of his body.

“So how long has it been?” Dean asked when he felt Castiel’s hardness pushing against his hip. He ran his fingers through Cas’s hair, it was nice and soft and he seemed to like it.

“Uh.. a-about.. two y-years,” Castiel stammered, hardly catching breath. He hasn’t been this aroused since.. since.. he has probably _never_ been this aroused. He didn’t think Dean would be so caring. But this confession astonished Dean. “It.. it really wasn’t good and.. and.. then.. I.. I mean.. I didn’t..” he started babbling  nervously when he saw Dean’s expression. Dean just smiled and interrupted him with a long kiss.

“Never apologize for decision about your own body. Just tell me if there’s something wrong, yeah?” he all but whispered and when Castiel nodded, he continued on kissing him. After a while he turned himself under Castiel and sat the surprised boy on his lap. Then he grabbed the hem of Cas’s t-shirt and got him rid of it quickly.

“Hmm,” Dean smiled for himself. He was leaning against a pillow so his head would be high enough for Castiel to lean in for a kiss comfortably. However, Dean pulled him a bit closer by his butt, giving a proper squeeze. He was taking his time, kissing Castiel like no-one ever kissed him before, while mapping his body with his hands, learning what kind of touches he likes without words. Castiel was nervous and tense at first, but a few songs later it was all gone. Castiel was now rubbing himself against Dean’s belly, so eager to move on. Dean pulled his boxers down with Castiel still sitting on him, kicked them off the bed and moved Castiel’s butt on his thighs. Their erections hit each other and Cas gasped. Dean gave a half-smirk and led Cas’s hand to his member. He hesitated just for a short while before he grabbed it carefully and started stroking.

“Yeah,” Dean exhaled and, still holding Castiel’s hand, made his fingers move the right way. The younger boy then pulled back and moved away from Dean’s thighs, just to take him in his mouth like he saw Dean doing before. He almost choked though, he’s clearly never done it before and overestimated size of his mouth, but it was fine, Dean didn’t mind to lead him a little bit. He clutched his fingers in Castiel’s hair, not too tight and moaned when he felt Cas’s tongue pushing against his tip. But a few moments later he pulled on his hair softly to make him stop. The boy looked at him, surprised, he though he did something wrong.

“Come up here,” Dean all but whispered, he wanted to move on already. When Castiel started climbing up, Dean moved aside and turned him onto his back. He looked at him properly, checking with his expression if it was okay. But he asked anyway.

“Are you okay like this or you want to sit like before?” His voice was quite hoarse, he barely recognized it.

“This,” Castiel mouthed, he wasn’t able to speak properly at all. His heart was racing, very well aware of what was about to happen. But he felt safe with Dean, he trusted him. Dean just nodded, sat on his heels, positioned Castiel’s legs for his better access and rubbed the pack of lube between his palms to heat it up. Then he shifted a bit closer and pulled the boy’s butt onto his knees. He checked if it was okay again, but Cas’s eyes were closed and his hand was working on his own erection. _Alright then,_ Dean thought and lubed his fingers. Then he easily pushed one and a while later two of them into Castiel. He was so relaxed he barely noticed. Dean just smiled and started moving them slowly and gently.

“Mmmm,” Castiel murmured softly and gasped when Dean hit the right spot. “Ah fuck,” he cried and his toes curled as Dean started rubbing it.

“Yeah, that’s good? That feels good? Tell me,” Dean panted, the moaning boy was driving him crazy, he wanted to slam into him and fuck him more than anyone before.

“Y-yes, Dean, so.. so good.” Castiel managed to force a few words out of his throat, but since then, nothing than gasps and moans made the way out. When Dean was thrusting gently into his body, he felt like in a dream. It felt like nothing before. Dean was gentle and careful, taking his time to make them both feel good and kissing him almost the whole time. They even changed the position with Castiel sitting on Dean’s lap like before and a few minutes later Castiel collapsed on top of Dean, panting, sweating and smiling. Just lying there for a long moment.

“That.. was the.. best thing.. I’ve..” Dean cut him off with a kiss. He didn’t want him to say such things. Now, when he was able to think again, he realized what just happened. It wasn’t his usual sex. It felt more like making love. All those small touches Castiel was giving him now, he wanted to cuddle and… get attached. Dean knew he did.

“Shit, Cas… I gotta go,” he sighed after a while of silence and pushed Cas off his chest gently.

“W-what?” Castiel looked at him with a pure shock in his wide-open eyes.


	10. You are more than I can take

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is finally going to get some help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is here a bit later than usual, I'm preparing for moving to Bristol and I JUST remembered that today is an update day :)

Castiel was lying comfortably on Dean’s chest, enjoying being so close to him, feeling safe and loved when he said he had to go.

“Why?” he asked and immediately wanted to slap himself for how needy it sounded. Dean sighed.

“I have to pick up Sam from his girlfriend’s house. I totally forgot, Cas, I’m sorry,” he said and gave him one more long kiss. Then he rose from the bed and got dressed quickly. He checked the time on his phone – it was shortly after 9 o’clock.

“Alright,” Cas sighed. “I just.. this was the best evening of my life, you know,” he smiled. “I was just hoping you would stay.”

“Oh.. I couldn’t stay all night anyway. I.. I never do that, you know,” Dean gave him an apologetic look, “ but that doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy it,” he winked and checked if he had everything.

“I’ll see you soon?” Castiel all but whispered, half-asking, half-suggesting. Dean just smiled at him with another wink and left. He couldn’t tell him the truth, not in the face. That he got scared of feelings and signals Castiel was sending his way very clearly. And that he wanted to send them back. He felt so vulnerable. He was afraid to feel vulnerable.

***

Dean was sitting in the silent car for almost half an hour after turning the engine off. He really didn’t feel like facing his family right now. He felt ashamed for what he’s just done. Of course he didn’t go pick Sam up. Sam was with Eileen that evening, but they were at Bobby’s house and Eileen’s dad was supposed to pick her up at 9 o’clock. At the same time, Castiel’s phone was on the floor and its owner was hugging a pillow that was muffling his sobs. He felt used. And… ashamed for trusting Dean. If someone looked at the display of his phone, they would see this:

_< < Cas.. I’m really sorry, but this is not gonna work. I swear I enjoyed every minute spent with you, but I can’t give you what you need. I’ve been through lots of shits, Cas, you don’t need to deal with this. I’m not able to have a relationship. I have way too many issues. You can do better. Take care, please_

_> > WHAT?_

!message failed to send

 

_> > Dean? Are you there?_

!message failed to send

 

Castiel didn’t believe a word of what Dean wrote him. He didn’t even tell him in the eyes! At this point, Cas was pretty sure that Dean only wanted him for sex. He felt like the biggest idiot in the whole world.

Dean didn’t get Castiel’s messages. Right after he sent his, he blocked Cas’s number. He couldn’t face the response, he just couldn’t. He wouldn’t handle it. He didn’t know how upset the boy was right now. He didn’t know he cried himself to sleep. He didn’t know that in the morning he lied to his brother for the first time in years. And that he cried himself to sleep even the next evening. Yet, Dean felt horrible. But he kept telling himself that Castiel just didn’t understand how the Tinder game works. He expected too much from a dating app. Maybe he would learn a lesson and be more careful in the future. Someone else might hurt him much more. That’s what Dean was forcing himself to believe. But besides this, he felt like a piece of shit.

***

“So how was your date with Castiel?” Sam asked during breakfast.

“None of your business Sammy,” Dean muttered calmly with his mouth full of a French toast with cheese, but he didn’t look at his brother. He was tired after being up almost all night. First he couldn’t sleep and then he had the weirdest dreams.

“Come on, I’m not a kid anymore, you told me some things about your dates,” Sam teased.

“It was good,” Dean muttered. He couldn’t tell him the truth.

“So is he your boyfriend now?”

“No.”

“Are you gonna see him again?”

“Sam, I’m trying to eat,” Dean said irritably. The younger boy didn’t say anything to that. Something in Dean’s voice made him stop asking, he didn’t understand why he wouldn’t talk to him. He wanted to be happy for his brother’s relationship, but for that he needed to talk to him.

“Are you doing something today?” Dean asked after a while of heavy silence.

“I don’t think so,” Sam muttered.

“Aren’t you going to see Eileen?”

“No.”

“Something happened?” Dean frowned.

“No.”

“Alright,” Dean scoffed and left the kitchen swiftly.

***

He needed to talk to someone. But there was no one. He couldn’t tell Sam what he’s done for he wouldn’t understand, he couldn’t tell Bobby since he knew even less than Sam and he couldn’t tell Charlie because he was too ashamed. He’s never felt like that after one night stand before. But this wasn’t really a proper one night stand. He got to know Castiel a little. And that was an issue for his lifestyle. He actually considered talking to Missouri. He still had her number and address. And Charlie thought it was a good idea too. So the next day after school when he was sitting at a bench in the park with Charlie, he finally found the courage.

“Don’t you want me to call her?” Charlie asked between two licks of her ice cream. It was a nice sunny day and she said she well-deserved it.

“I’m fine,” Dean sighed and repeated what he wanted to say one more time. He hated talking to strangers on phone.

“I’m proud of you for doing something about this, okay?” she gave him an encouraging look.

“Thanks,” Dean muttered and hit the ‘call’ button. It didn’t take long for a friendly female voice to greet the caller with a warm “Hello!”

“H-hello, um, I.. I’m calling b-because..” Dean stammered. He got so nervous for no reason! Charlie rolled her eyes and snapped the phone from Dean’s hand to talk to the lady on the other side herself with her bright, cheery voice.

“Hello, this is Charlie Badbury, am I talking to Missouri Moseley? … Good. This is Dean Winchester’s phone but he just accidentally swallowed his tongue, sorry about that. May I ask, did Gabriel Milton tell you Dean would call? … Great. So he finally decided to talk to you, but he’s shy, so I took his phone. Is it okay if he stops by sometime during the week? … Wednesday afternoon? Yeah, he says yes. … Uhm, alright, thank you, he’ll be there. … Thank you, bye.”

Dean sighed shakily. He hated how nervous he got.  And now he had an appointment with a woman he’s never met and will have to talk to her about personal stuff. What was he thinking, that’s _so_ not a thing he does! How is he even gonna talk to her?!

“Dean? Dean, are you here?” Charlie waved a hand in front of his eyes. “You are so pale, are you alright?!” Dean flinched and finally looked at her.

“You can go to her house any time in the afternoon, she said she’s going to be home all day so you come when you can,” she said, probably repeating herself but Dean didn’t hear her the first time. Dean sighed again.

“Thank you, Charlie. I got nerves. I.. I don’t know if I’ll be able to talk to her…” his voice was thick and he buried his face in his hands quickly before emotions would take over him. He was so fucked up.

***

 Dean needed to take a few deep breaths before he dared to ring the bell. He was standing in front of a nice small house with a well-kept front garden and a short stairway leading to the front door. Charlie offered to go with him, but there were still things Dean didn’t tell her. Only she and Sam knew where he was. Of course he didn’t tell Bobby. He felt bad for not telling him things, but what else could he have done, right? Bobby didn’t know almost anything about what was going on with him. When Gabriel told him that Missouri has a small child, he was expecting a young woman, not a lady in her forties. But it made him feel much better.

“You must be Dean,” she gave him the most sincere smile. Dean liked her instantly. Maybe it was her warm, soothing voice, maybe something motherly and soft in her eyes.

“Y-yes, it’s me,” Dean smiled nervously.

“Come inside, boy, don’t be nervous, make yourself comfortable in the living room. I was about to put little Benny to bed for his nap, you came in a perfect time if you didn’t want a toddler demanding your attention the whole time,” she chuckled softly and stepped away from the door to let Dean in. He took his shoes off and followed her to the living room. It was quite a mess. But what do you want when you have a toddler, right? There were toys, blankets and picture books lying around, but it felt very cozy. Dean didn’t remember much from when he was little, but he was sure it looked about like this when his mom was still alive.

“Who is this?” he heard a muffled whisper from behind a big stuffed lion. A little boy was standing there, eyeing Dean curiously. Missouri smiled and picked him up.

“This is Dean, a friend of Anna’s brother, you know, that nice girl who babysits you sometimes when mommy and daddy go out,” she said softly and the boy didn’t say more, just gave Dean a half-grin before hiding his face into Missouri’s t-shirt. Dean chuckled and sat down on the couch. He spent a few minutes browsing through a picture book about baby animals while Missouri was putting Ben down for a nap.

“This is _just_ adorable,” he said in a low voice when he heard approaching footsteps.

“Excuse the mess, you know, when you have a toddler, all you focus on is to keep him alive,” Missouri said apologetically and started picking things from the floor. What was this weird habit of cleaning when not needed?

“Oh, please, don’t bother with that for me, I really couldn’t care less if the room is a bit messy, you should see my bedroom.”

“Alright,” Missouri chuckled and sat down on the couch next to Dean.

“First of all, I want you to know that everything you tell me will stay here in this very room and I won’t judge you no matter what you tell me. So… Dean, I understand you have some big problem that is not easy to talk about when you came to talk to me. Do you want to tell me yourself or you prefer when I ask?” she said softly. Dean was worried about coming here, that it would be uncomfortable and cold and overly professional. But now he felt silly for thinking that.

“I.. I don’t even know.. where to start,” Dean sighed. “I.. I have a problem to trust people. I’ve been through lots of shits and.. one really bad relationship. I’m just.. scared, I guess. But I can’t fight it.” The woman nodded.

“Would you describe this relationship as abusive, Dean?” she asked.

“Yeah,” the boy scoffed. “Abusive, that’s the right word.” He didn’t look at her.

“What kind of abuse? Physical, emotional? Sexual?” she added the last word after a second of hesitation. Dean swallowed thickly and sucked in a shaky breath. Then he just nodded. He expected her to tell him that he needs to talk to her properly, but to his surprise, she didn’t push on him.

“Have you ever been raped, Dean? I don’t mean only in this… relationship.”

“Um.. not.. not exactly. I mean…” he sighed. “ Except for the very last time I never said no to him. Even though.. I didn’t like it a lot of times. So technically, no, I haven’t been… but… now it feels like I have. Is it still a rape when I don’t say no but I feel it? I mean… people say it’s.. rape.. only when you say no.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How would you answer Dean's question?


	11. I’m starting to regret not telling all of this to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean tells us some important stories.

“Dean, rape doesn’t always involve screaming and crying as movies show us. There are more ways of how to say no. You don’t have to say it out loud. From what you are saying I’m sure that he must have noticed your discomfort and he ignored it. And if he pushed on you or threatened you, or in any way made you feel like you had to obey him although you didn’t feel it was right, there’s no doubt that it was not okay. It’s not a healthy relationship. Dean, do you know why you were afraid to say no to this person?”

“How much Mr. Milton told you?”

“He said you’ve had a very bad experience with a relationship, but that’s all. So how about you tell me about this man?” she suggested.

“Alright,” Dean sighed. “He.. he was my gym teacher. Um, after I moved here with my brother.. he.. he was so nice to me and.. later.. he started telling me that he loved me. I.. I wanted to be loved. As far as I remember, I never felt loved before that. He… at the beginning, he was treating me like I imagined a father should treat a son. I wanted that, because my father is the worst person I know. There was nothing sexual for the first year, you know. I adored him, I looked up to him and I wanted him to be proud of me.” Now it sounded so ridiculous to him when he said it out loud.

“Dean, it makes a perfect sense that you wanted someone to look up to in your life. You just picked a wrong person. It’s not your fault. He knew how vulnerable you were and used you. I assume you realized something was wrong when it was too late, am I right? Can you tell me when it became sexual and how?”

 

_Dean rushed towards the gym. It was the first day after summer break and he couldn’t wait to see Alastair again. He hasn’t seen him all summer. At this moment, he was probably the happiest boy in the world. It was early afternoon and everyone else hurried home, so his footsteps were echoing at the empty hallways._

_“Hello!” he shouted full of enthusiasm when he burst through the gym door. He was panting and his cheeks were slightly red from running. Alastair was at the far end of the gym, but when he heard the familiar voice, he walked back to the main door to greet the boy._

_“Dean!” he gave him a wide smile and let the boy to hug him tight._

_“I missed you,” Dean murmured into his chest. The teacher wrapped his arms around him softly and rubbed his back._

_“I missed you too, Dean,” he smiled while ruffling Dean’s hair with enough affection to melt the boy’s heart and then he gave him a small kiss on the forehead. He’s never done that before. Dean looked at his lips, surprised. The last person who did this was his mother._

_“Come with me, I have something for you,” Alastair said, his voice suggesting an exciting surprise. Dean didn’t even hesitate. He fully trusted this man. When they came to the gym office, he locked the door. It surprised Dean, but he still didn’t suspect anything wrong. The teacher turned to the excited boy and walked up close to him. Then he touched his chin with index finger, pushing it a little up and then… then he kissed him softly on the lips. Dean tensed, shocked and astonished, wanted to pull away, but in the last moment he changed his mind. Because it felt good. He knew for sure that he didn’t like girls and he was kind of attracted to the teacher, but this was his very first kiss. It took him a few moments to kiss back, moving his lips hesitantly, not entirely sure what to do. He didn’t know this was wrong, so wrong. Nobody ever taught him the differences between various kinds of love. Or various kinds of abuse. The only abuse he knew was beating from his father. And Alastair wasn’t beating him, he was kind and gentle, so it had to be alright.  He felt warmness filling his whole body when Alastair’s tongue made its way between his teeth and found Dean’s. Then there were long fingers touching the bare skin under his t-shirt. He flinched, but still didn’t pull away._

_“Shh, don’t worry, it’s okay,” Alastair murmured as he broke the kiss._

_“What are you doing?” Dean all but whispered, not looking him in the eyes. He still didn’t think it was wrong, he was just confused._

_“I want to show you how much you mean to me,” Alastair said softly and caressed Dean’s cheek. “Will you let me?” As he said that, Dean felt a familiar twitch. Like his body knew exactly what he meant by that. He wasn’t sure about this, he was nervous and scared, but Alastair promised to make him feel good and he did. Oh hell, he did. Just a couple minutes later he was squirming and panting heavily, sitting on Alastair’s lap, naked, with two fingers inside him and a hand in his crotch._

_“How do you feel?” Alastair purred in his ear and nibbled it maybe too hard, but in that moment it was an incredible turn on. If Dean needed to be turned on any more. He wasn’t able to answer, just cried something inarticulately._

“And then.. after.. he said… _‘It must be our secret, Dean. You don’t want to get us in trouble, do you?’_ and… that I mustn’t tell anyone so we can do it again,” Dean finished in a thick voice. He remembered every single word and every single touch. It was waking him up and then making him cry himself to sleep or stay up at night for many months. Only then he understood he was being abused. He buried his face in his hands and exhaled shakily. After a second or two he felt a comforting hand on his back. He gulped thickly and sobbed, muffling the sound with his hands. “A couple weeks later we started having sex regularly. I was a filthy whore, nothing more,” he whispered.

“Dean, listen,” Missouri urged, “you didn’t know how wrong it was. You didn’t know the difference and wanted to be loved desperately. It’s a natural thing, wanting to be loved. All you did was that you let wrong person to convince you that he could give you what you needed. It’s not your fault, boy. It was just a mistake. You didn’t know better and that’s not your fault. Do you want to continue or talk about something else? How about your father? Do you think we can talk about him?”

“There… there’s nothing much to say about my father,” Dean sighed after a while of silence. He needed to calm down a bit. “He was an asshole, beating me and sometimes Sammy since soon after our mother’s death. She.. she died when Sammy was three and I was seven. Dad blamed us; I don’t even remember what he said we did. He started drinking and was the shittiest parent.

 

_Two young boys were sitting at a huge table in the library. Everything there was too big for them, but this nice lady always fetched books from high shelves for them with a big smile on her face. Sam liked her a lot, she gave them sweets sometimes and she was never mad at them when they dropped something by accident or made noise._

_“Isn’t this book too smart for you?” she asked softly when she laid a thick book in front of the small boy while he climbed on a chair. She caught a playful smirk of his older brother who was a little more down-to-earth with his books. Sam’s cheeks flushed red and he put a hand on the book._

_“The earlier he starts the better, right?” Dean said cheerfully, saving his brother from answering the question. The lady just smiled and said she’ll be around if they needed anything. She liked the young polite boys, she had no idea what was behind their quietness and meekness._

_Sam was trying his best to read the law book, although it was hard for him to read big words and understand them. When he was tired, he did his homework while Dean was still reading his book. Shortly before closing time the lady came again to collect the books and tell them they needed to go._

_“I wish I could take some book home,” Sam complained when they were leaving the building._

_“I know, but you know we can’t,” Dean sighed and grabbed his hand before they crossed the road._

_“Do you think Dad will be home?” Sam asked thickly after a few minutes of silence. They didn’t live far from the library, it was only about fifteen minutes’ walk._

_“I hope not. If he is, you go straight to our room, you understand? I’ll try to get some dinner for us,” Dean commanded. Sam just nodded hesitantly. He didn’t want to go home, but where else could he go?_

_When Dean opened the front door slowly, they heard some sound from the kitchen. Sam took his shoes off quietly and ran upstairs to his and Dean’s room. He didn’t need to be told twice. He was scared of Dad._

_“Boys?” a muffled groan came from the kitchen. Dean took his shoes off as well and put them next to Sam’s neatly. With his schoolbag still on his back he walked to the kitchen and looked around quickly to estimate Dad’s mood. He saw a few empty beer cans on the kitchen counter, but nothing else. So it was probably the yellow zone. Dean made up four zones to describe how bad it was with his father. Green zone was safe, he was sober and even nice, but that was very rare. Yellow zone was a few beers, maybe a bit grumpy, but still harmless if not provoked. Orange was getting dangerous, it meant drunk and angry, and it was better to keep away from him. When the red zone hit, the boys locked themselves in the nearest room, clenched into each other, shivering and wishing he would fall asleep soon. But sometimes they didn’t manage to keep themselves safe. They were small children. How could they._

_“Where’ve you been that long?” John babbled grumpily and Dean froze in the middle of a move. He was getting into orange zone._

_“In the library,” he said meekly with his head bent. He had to, he didn’t want to do something that his dad would call ‘provoking’. Which could be basically anything. Not even two minutes later Dean found himself running up the stairs. John got mad because he and Sam were out too long and wasting time with books, instead of.. who knows what he would consider being better for them. It was too easy to make him mad. Dean wasn’t waiting for him to finish. He burst into his and Sam’s room and locked the door quickly. He wasn’t sure if the lock would hold, but he didn’t have time to get Sam to the bathroom downstairs._

Dean sighed heavily before he finished the story.

“That lock sucked. I told Sam to hide under the bed and when Dad got in, he beat me. I don’t know why he was beating us. We’ve never done anything wrong. Sam thought he did, but I kept telling him that Dad is ill and it makes him being mean.” It wasn’t easy, talking about this. But… Dean somehow felt relieved when he told Missouri. She knew exactly what to say in the right way to make him feel better. He stayed in the house until Benny woke up from his nap. He told her basically his whole life story. And she was listening and comforting him. Nothing else. She didn’t question his decisions and she didn’t say _‘you deserved what happened to you’_. He told her about Castiel. He just didn’t mention a name and some details.

“It’s understandable that you got scared, Dean. You don’t want to let people close to you because you are afraid they will hurt you. But you need to realize that not everyone is like those who hurt you. You were very unlucky but just like you started to trust Gabriel although he is a gym teacher, you need to try and trust other boys if you want things to change. You know better now, you won’t let anyone else use you like Alastair did. I don’t approve dating apps, but you seem to find a really nice person. And if you don’t feel like coming back to him, maybe you need to look for something else. Just remember, Dean, you deserve love and you can trust people.”


	12. Don’t walk away, I promise I won’t let you down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm moving to Bristol tomorrow, wohoo! Wish me luck to have wifi :D

But it’s not that easy to change things that are deep in one’s mind. Although Dean felt better, he still didn’t believe he would be able to keep up with Castiel’s need of affection. He couldn’t start giving that much of himself all of sudden. Dean spent a long time thinking about Missouri’s words and made a mental note to thank Gabriel, because it made him feel better about his past. But what about the future? He needed to fight that fight all by himself. Missouri was right, he needed to look for something else. He still felt more secure with having distance and anonymity, but he really needed something new at the same time. He was swiping among pictures on Tinder. He changed the search age range to have new people to choose from. He thought older ones won’t be affectionate like Cas. Like, more mature, knowing what’s going on. Castiel needed the kind of attention Dean still wasn’t able to give him.

It didn’t take him long to find a smoking hot guy named Liam, whose every feature was saying _dom_. And his profile too, actually. In Dean’s secret fantasies, when he dared to think about being a bottom, it was with a guy like this. But in his fantasies the guy was, no matter how tough he seemed, always gentle and caring. Dean longed for a gentle and caring guy, even though he wouldn’t admit it, because he considered it a weakness. He couldn’t afford being weak. Being vulnerable. Not again. Dean swiped right, put the phone on the bedside table, pulled his sweatpants and boxers down to his knees and closed his eyes. He tried to put this guy in his most secret fantasy while he was touching himself. And it worked more than well. A short while later he was panting softly. With one hand he was working on his member, the other hand he let to wander around, imagining it wasn’t his hand. He liked being gentle to himself, taking his time, enjoying it as long as possible. Before, while living with his abusive father, this was the only opportunity for him to feel good. In his head it was strongly connected with a feeling of safety when his father wasn’t around and he was able to relax, which wasn’t often.

“Dean?” A loud knocking interrupted him.

“Not now, Sammy,” he grunted, but he knew he already lost the moment.

“Okay,” Sam sighed and Dean heard his receding footsteps. Sam wouldn’t go to his room when the door was closed, he caught him once and it was more than enough for him. Dean now remembered he promised Sam help with homework.

“Alright,” he sighed and pulled his boxers and sweatpants up. He lost it anyway, his brother’s voice wouldn’t leave his head. Just a minute later he was sitting on Sam’s bed next to a small pile of books.

“I really need your help with this Math,” Sam sighed.

“Oh Sammy,” Dean chuckled, “you know I suck at Math. But I’ll try. How’s your Biology, anyway?” Biology was Dean’s biggest joy at school. It’s been as long as he could remember. His dad would never buy him a book and bringing some home would be too dangerous, for Dad might’ve ripped it or something when he was drunk, so he spent lots of time in the public library. It was strange to see a young boy reading these big books and even stranger to see this boy’s little brother trying to read law books. When Dean told little Sammy about lawyers and how they can help people, he immediately decided to become one. And not even the fact that he could barely read that time would stop him. Now they both had a few good books and internet to help. Bobby wanted them to do well in life and he would help them as much as he could.

“Not good. I don’t like it,” Sam muttered and opened the Math book.

“You will need Biology as a lawyer, don’t you think? What if they give you pictures of fake wounds as evidence and you couldn’t even tell?” Dean teased.

“I would always go and knock on your lab,” Sam gave him a dreamy look. He already had the whole future in his head. They would go to good schools, have their dream jobs. They would live happily ever after. Dean didn’t ever try to burst his bubble. He was glad Sammy was still dreaming big. Dean, though, wasn’t too optimistic. He had lots of issues and he really wasn’t sure if he’d be able to make it. But now, now he accepted invitation to Sammy’s air castle.

“Yeah,” Dean scoffed. “That would be amazing. Imagine that. Us against the world.”

“Yes!” Sam giggled excitedly. “And we’ll pay Bobby back for everything he’s done for us. But Dean…” he sighed, “how about Dad?”

“Don’t mention Dad,” Dean scolded him and shifted uncomfortably. They didn’t speak about Dad in a long time. They said they would cut him off their lives. He wasn’t supposed to exist for them.

“But Dean…” Sam whined. He didn’t enjoy talking about him any more than Dean, but he was worried. When their father was around, he managed to ruin everything; so many times he laughed Sam in the face for being a dreamer. And laughter was the better option. John didn’t really hesitate to hit his children when he was drunk. Sam learned to not speak until spoken to and to answer with safe phrases, politely and meekly. It took months until he got used that he can speak as he wishes after they came to Bobby’s house. That nobody would yell at him or hit him. That he can sleep peacefully without being afraid of what he’d wake up to.

“No. Listen, Sammy, Dad’s in jail and he’s staying there for a couple more years. He’s not going to ruin anything for us again, okay? He’s not going to tell you that you can’t achieve something, Sammy, you can do whatever you want. You know why he was so mean to you? Because he was jealous, he was a loser, never accomplished a single thing in his life. Bobby told me that he was dreaming big. Oh yes, he was. But he was only dreaming. And you have all the courage he was missing. You mustn’t be afraid of him anymore, Sammy, you are so much better than him.” Sam was listening without a single sound. He knew Dean was right.

“I want to see him,” he whispered after a while of heavy silence.

“What? Are you crazy? Why?!” Dean cried in a pure shock.

“B-because,” Sam hesitated, “because I’m not scared anymore and I want to tell him.”

“Sammy…” Dean sighed, “it’s good that you’re not scared anymore, but he won’t care. You can write him a letter or something, but we won’t go see him. I won’t let him to say one more nasty thing to you, do you understand?” he started raising his voice. Sam was quite astonished. He didn’t expect Dean to be happy about it, but this? He thought Dean would be proud of him facing his fears.

“I want to face him and tell him in the eyes that I’m not scared anymore, Dean, please! I need to do it,” he tried again.

“Sammy I’m really proud of you, but you’re not going to see him. Give me that Math book,” Dean snapped the book out of Sam’s hand way too hard and tore one page a bit by accident. His phone vibrated the third time in the last two minutes, but he didn’t care right now. He was thinking fast, trying to make up another reason why Sam can’t see Dad, in case he would insist. Little did Sam know… that John was not in jail anymore. What he did to get there wasn’t bad enough to keep him locked for too long. And he also behaved himself to get out earlier. A couple months ago Bobby got a call – John was out. He wanted to see the boys, but Bobby already filled a restraining order. John wasn’t allowed make any kind of contact with the boys and to get any close to Bobby’s house and their school. Dean only knew about it because he was in the room when Bobby got the call. Of course, they didn’t tell Sam.

“But… what if I just—“

“Samuel!” Dean barked and slapped the book on the bed. “That’s enough. You want help with that Math or not?”

Sam sighed shakily while staring Dean in the eyes.

“Okay,” he said then. Dean’s phone vibrated again. “Is that Castiel? Are you two a.. thing?”

“Um, I don’t think so,” Dean mumbled. His number was still blocked.

“Why? You’d make a nice couple.. he seemed nice.”

“Just leave it,” Dean sighed and checked his phone while Sam was writing down the math problems he needed help with. He had a match with the guy he saw a while ago and two messages.

_< < Hey sweet twink ;)_

_< < U free tonight?_

“Dean, come over here!” Bobby called from the kitchen just when Dean was about to reply and he sounded slightly pissed. Dean dropped his phone screen-down on the bed and hurried downstairs. He just remembered that he left a tuna sandwich in the small oven they didn’t use to eat later… about a week ago. After a moment of hesitation Sam grabbed his phone and looked at the messages and this guy’s profile. _What the fuck!_ Dean didn’t really mean to meet him, right? Even Sam knew this was the worst idea! He put the phone back and finished his writing quickly, trying to not think about it. Then he opened other book to study a bit while he was waiting for Dean to come back. It took a while - he had to clean the whole oven.

***

“That’s so disgusting!” Dean whined when he grabbed the sandwich with a rubber glove and tossed it in a trash bag quickly. His sandwich turned into something potentially dangerous, it looked like it was about to nest and reproduce.

“Well you can be glad I found it before it grew teeth,” Bobby chuckled. He was sitting at the table with a beer, watching Dean to make sure he does the job properly. “You got any plans for weekend? Are you going to see Castiel? You could bring him over for lunch or something,” he offered.

“I.. no, I’m not going to see Cas,” Dean sighed. This, this was why he didn’t want to get attached.

“Why? Something went wrong?”

“Something went wrong, yeah. Me,” Dean muttered and then finished his job in silence. Bobby didn’t ask more, he knew Dean wouldn’t tell.

“You know… you can tell me stuff, Dean. I might be an old grumpy man, but.. you are like my own, you know that. And Sam too. I want to be there for you when something’s going on,” Bobby interrupted the silence when Dean tossed the gloves in the same bag as the stinky sandwich. The boy hesitated. He had the best opportunity to tell Bobby about Alastair.


	13. I can’t think, hey, what’s in this drink?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry :(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little life advice: Do NOT hire the cheapest moving company you find.

“I know, Bobby.” He could barely speak over a lump in his throat. He tried to swallow it, but he felt a familiar burning behind his eyes, so he walked up to Bobby and hugged him. It was a bit surprising to Bobby, but he squeezed the boy in a bear hug and rubbed his back. Dean managed to keep tears in their place.

“Are you okay, Dean?” Bobby asked when Dean pulled away, looking him in the eyes. He wasn’t able to answer. The lump in his throat got bigger and he knew that if he opened his mouth, he’d spill everything about Alastair, nightmares and guys he was seeing. So he just nodded and forced a smile.

“I should go help Sammy with homework,” he said then quickly and headed upstairs. Bobby was looking the way he left for a few moments. There was no doubt the boy was lying him in the eyes.

 

Meanwhile Sam was trying to study, but his thoughts were still around Dean and this new guy who was six years older than him. Dean’s phone vibrated again just before he came back to the room.

“Sammy, let me give you a life advice. If you make yourself a sandwich to eat later, never put it in the oven,” he grinned and grabbed his phone. He had a third message.

_< < Wanna get fucked properly? ;) Got my own place to 8====D~○ _

_> > I can’t tonight, I’m helping my brother with homework. Tomorrow?_

_< < Just say ur busy pal. U new to this?_

Dean clenched his teeth. It was the first unspoken one-night-stand Tinder rule – no personal stuff of this kind. The other person doesn’t want to know you have a little brother who struggles with his homework.

_> > No. _

_> > I haven’t been a bottom in a long time, k?_

_< < I’ll go easy on you sweetcheeks ;)_

_< < Want me to pick u up? We skip the bar I have some booze home_

_> > Just send me address, I’ll drive or walk_

Dean was used to a fair play. To him it was important to know what the other person is comfortable with and where his boundaries are, even if it was only a one-time thing. He didn’t want to hurt anyone. Now he saw it from the other side and was really glad that this guy seemed to be alright, although Dean never skipped the bar part to be able to check out the person before going somewhere private with him. In that moment he really didn’t realize what a vulnerable position he was putting himself in. That’s why he told Liam not only this, but also a few more things. Maybe way too personal. But he wanted to make sure he wouldn’t get hurt. Silly boy.

Dean didn’t tell Sam anything about what he was about to do. He helped him with Math as much as he could and went to bed. He got an address from Liam. It wasn’t a neighborhood where he’d like to be alone at night. He knew there were some apartment buildings in a miserable condition and people he didn’t want to mess with. But it was also cheap – people who just couldn’t afford anything better lived there too. Luckily it wasn’t that far so Dean didn’t have to drive, he really wouldn’t like to leave his car alone there.

***

Soon after Dean left the house the next evening, Sam hurried to Bobby.

“Bobby, I’m really worried about Dean,” he said thickly. “He’s going to meet some older guy from a dating app, I saw him and his profile and.. I.. I don’t think Dean will be safe with him.” Bobby sighed irritably.

“Ah, stupid boy. I figured he was meeting some guys, Sam. But you know him, he wouldn’t say anything. I was hoping he’d calm down a bit and be with this Castiel, but apparently not. Of course I’m worried too, I’m worried sick. But all I can do is to wait until he comes home. I can’t lock him in his room. I just have to hope he knows what he does.”

Sam stared at him for a few seconds. He had no idea Bobby was waiting for Dean to come home every time just to make sure he was okay.

“But… but Bobby… now it’s different,” he whined, worried sick already.

“Do you know where he went?”

“No.”

“This is a big city, Sam. I wouldn’t find him. He’s not a child. I’m sure he’s smart enough to not get in too much trouble. Do you want to stay here with me?” Bobby offered when he saw how upset Sam was. He couldn’t show him that he was worried just like him and even more, every time Dean went out alone in the evening and came back late. But what was he supposed to do? Sam just nodded and made himself comfortable on a big couch next to Bobby to watch some old movie with him. Later, when Sam was half-asleep and leaning against Bobby’s shoulder, loud ringing of Bobby’s phone made him jump.

***

Dean felt quite anxious as he was getting closer to the place. He’s never been in this part of the city and if he didn’t know why, a quick look would tell him. Shabby buildings, lots of mess around, strange smell – nothing where Dean would like to live. It was dark already and the chilly evening breeze didn’t make Dean feel any better.

“Hey handsome,” a sweet low voice sounded near him. He winced and looked that way to see a young, petite girl with a strange tattoo on her collar bone. If it wasn’t for dark circles under her eyes, pale face and bruises on her unhealthily skinny body, she would be a pretty girl. Maybe she used to be. Dean tried to ignore her, but she followed him.

“Want some fun?” she offered in a badly pretended seductive voice. Dean stopped and looked at her properly. She couldn’t be much older than Sam.

“No, thanks,” he declined her politely.

“Come on, cheap! Or you want a guy? I can get you some!” the girl quaked in a desperate voice. Dean continued walking. She ran up to him and grabbed his wrist.

“Please,” she whined quietly. Dean felt so bad for her. What situation must a young girl get in to start selling her body? The look in her eyes made Dean open his wallet and hand her a ten dollar bill. He didn’t have much money himself, but he felt like he just had to help her at least a little.

“Here. And leave me alone, please. I’m not interested,” he said softly and walked away. He couldn’t see the girl staring at him with her mouth slightly open. Dean checked the address on his phone one more time. He found the right building and opened the door – it wasn’t locked and not even closed properly. When he got to the second floor, his heart was racing. He was awfully nervous and really doubted it was a good idea. For a second he thought about walking away, but then one door opened.

“Hey Dean,” the man grinned. He had a pleasant deep voice and was heavily tattooed. He was also taller than Dean and his strong, muscular body would make anyone’s knees weak.

“H-hey,” Dean forced a smile. His mouth was dry all of sudden and he couldn’t stop staring at him. He’s never seen such a hot guy. And the guy was very well aware of that.

“Come in, don’t be shy, make yourself comfortable,” he said with a half-smirk on his face and stepped away from the door. So Dean entered the small and not very clean apartment, took his shoes and jacket off and tried to ignore a not strong, but rather strange smell.

“Drink?” Liam offered and led Dean to the kitchen. In any other case Dean would remember another rule – never drink what you don’t know where it came from. But he was _so_ nervous and simply _needed_ a drink, so he gladly accepted cheap whisky that Liam poured in a glass for him from a half-empty bottle. At least he saw he didn’t put anything else in, so it should be okay, right? He gulped his drink and frowned at the bad taste. Liam gave him a quick refill and another grin. He didn’t have a drink.

“Thirsty, huh?”

“Yeah. And nervous,” Dean admitted with a smirk. It just slipped. He wasn’t supposed to say that. Another unspoken rule.

“You’re adorable,” Liam scoffed. “Well then, let’s do something about it,” he said then and guided Dean’s hand with the second drink closer to his mouth. Dean didn’t really want to drink it, but he also didn’t think much. After the glass was empty again and put down on the kitchen counter safely, Liam pulled Dean closer and kissed him, trying to push the tongue in his mouth almost immediately. His beard was scratching and hands holding the smaller boy a bit too firmly, but Dean didn’t mind. He’s never been in a situation like this. Being held by a strong man with his complete consent, _and_ being kissed not roughly or forcefully at the same time. He even felt safe for a few moments. All of sudden he noticed that one of those big hands moved from his hip straight to his crotch where it started working on him through his jeans. Dean gasped into the kiss and rocked his hips to meet the hand.

“So eager already,” Liam chuckled and undone the buckle on Dean’s belt. He didn’t hesitate and slipped his hand under Dean’s underwear where he grabbed his slowly hardening member and rubbed his tip with his thumb. Dean whined softly, wanting more.

“Come on,” the older man all but whispered and walked him to the bedroom, hand still in his underwear. Dean’s heart was beating so fast and hard he thought Liam might hear it. He didn’t wait for anything, Dean’s clothes were gone in a few moments, but now, Dean finally realized it was happening too fast.

“Um.. could you.. s-slow down a bit? I.. I really haven’t been bo-bottom in a long time,” Dean stammered in a thick voice.

“Shh, don’t worry,” Liam chuckled and kissed him roughly, his tongue attacking the inside of Dean’s mouth. He didn’t like it. “I’ll make you feel good. Just lie down.” So Dean did as he was told. He didn’t feel very good being completely naked in front of him right now, but he tried to relax. He remembered a few boys he undressed first too and it was okay. But he wasn’t really sure if they felt sick and a little dizzy like he did right now. Maybe it was that gross whisky?

“Where is lube and condoms?” he asked with a bit of worry in his voice. Before he got the answer, Liam turned him onto his belly, face-down on the bed with the closest pillow out of his reach and lifted his hips in the air so Dean would be on his knees, legs spread quite wide. But there was a problem – from this position Dean was unable to support himself with his elbows or move at all.

“I’ve got lube. Chill, kid,” he chuckled, “and don’t you know condoms take away half of the pleasure? Oh you need to learn,” he added and opened a bedside table drawer. _They just take away STDs!_ a voice in Dean’s head yelled. But he didn’t take condoms with him.

“Okay,” Dean said quietly, not like it mattered to the other one.


	14. I heard you crying loud, all the way across town

“Such a nice little ass you have. Mmm, gonna be so tight,” Liam exhaled and squeezed Dean’s butt cheeks with both hands. “So nice, so nice,” he nodded with a pleased smirk that Dean couldn’t see. He didn’t feel good in this position. He noted to himself that he won’t put anyone in it unless they really wanted.

“Relax,” Liam said in a low voice after he undressed himself soundly and stroked Dean’s member a few times, way too roughly for Dean’s taste. From this position Dean couldn’t do even that himself. He was trapped. Then he heard a loud _pop_ as Liam opened a lube bottle and just a few seconds later he felt a cold liquid on his exposed butthole. He winced and almost yelped in a mild shock. He didn’t expect that and certainly didn’t expect it so quickly. He always tried to do some foreplay to make it pleasant and relaxed for both but now, now he was only scared. He remembered the night with Castiel. It was so different. Not a single move was rough, not a single action was forceful. _Oh shit what have I gotten myself into?!_ he thought, but there was no way back now. Suddenly a long thick finger forced itself inside him. Even though there was a fair amount of lube, it was painful.

“W-wait!” Dean whined. He hasn’t been a bottom since Alastair. His muscles clenched against his will, as much as he tried to relax, he couldn’t. Liam started stroking Dean’s member again; it was completely soft by now.

“Just relax, it’s gonna get better,” he growled and moved his finger inside of Dean. He really tried to relax, but it was hard with that rough hand in his crotch. He eventually managed to relax a bit and Liam was able to add second finger. Dean gasped, but the older man had no more patience with him. He moved his other hand to Dean’s hip for he was moving away from his fingers. He then leaned over him to start kissing the back of his neck.

“Shh, relax sweetcheeks, I’m gonna make you feel good, so good,” he moaned in his ear and it made Dean’s whole body tremble. A few moments later when he finally relaxed and actually started enjoying it, moaning softly when the very talented fingers found the right spot easily, he heard another _pop_ of the lube bottle and Liam’s fingers disappeared, just to be replaced with something _much_ bigger. Dean yelped at that sudden pain and stretch, wanted to escape it, but big hands were holding him firmly in place. He felt Liam’s full length slowly filling and stretching him much more than fingers, the lube didn’t help that much. His muscles tensed around the unwanted object, but that only caused him more pain. He was trying to breathe it out and relax, but the older man didn’t give him much time to adjust before he started moving slowly inside him.

“Ahh!” Dean cried, but Liam either ignored it or thought it was a moan of pleasure. He held Dean’s hip firmly with one hand and moved the other one back to Dean’s crotch. He started stroking his member roughly again, while he increased his pace. When Dean thought he wouldn’t stand it any longer, the doorbell rang. Liam stopped thrusting immediately and pulled out of Dean which made him yelp softly, it wasn’t any less painful than when he was getting inside. Liam didn’t say a word to him and went to the door. Dean was listening.

“Where the hell you been, man? I started without you. He’s a little whiny, but man, that ass! You gotta try him, or you can fuck his mouth so he doesn’t whine while I finish.” That made Dean sober up instantly. He rolled down from the bed and started getting dressed quickly. His whole body was shaking violently; he was scared and mad at himself. And sore, so sore!

“Hey, what’s this?!” Liam barked when he came back with another man just when Dean was putting his t-shirt back on.

“I’m leaving!” the boy said in a trembling voice and wanted to walk past him, but Liam grabbed and pulled his t-shirt firmly. The thin fabric ripped at one spot.

“You’re not going anywhere, Dean, the fun just started!” he growled and pushed him towards the bed. Dean looked at him with a pure horror in his eyes. He’s heard so many stories. And still, he couldn’t prevent the same happening to him.

“N-no, I’m leaving!” he insisted, but Liam was standing at the door and didn’t look like letting him leave.

“Hey man, let the kid go,” the other one said calmly. Both, Dean and Liam, looked at him in surprise.

“Are you fucking serious? He’s just chickening out, you shoulda hear him moaning just a while ago! He’s playing with us!” Liam growled, walked up to the boy and grabbed his jaw so hard he yelped in pain.

“Please let me go,” he squealed, tears already in his eyes. The other man put a hand on Liam’s shoulder. First tear rolled down Dean’s cheek and he sniffled softly. He couldn’t help it.

“You don’t want to get in trouble for a little shit again. We’ll get someone else.” Liam looked at his friend angrily, then back at Dean and gave the boy a punch in the jaw. Not a very hard one, but fairly painful anyway.

“Get out! And if you say a word, you’re gonna regret it. Fucking kid, doesn’t know how the game works!” he said through his teeth and pushed Dean towards the door. He didn’t wait for anything, grabbed his shoes and jacket and ran out of the apartment. He nearly fell down the stairs as he tried to get away as quickly as possible. At the bottom of the stairs he had to sit down to put his shoes on. He all but cried in pain and tears appeared in his eyes again as his bottom touched the hard stair. This was bad, so bad! He just started to realize what just happened and what could have happened. His heart started pounding faster, his hands got shaky and sweaty and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. With his shoes not even tied he jumped off the stairs and burst out of the door, just to step on one shoelace and bury his nose in the grass. It was raining in the morning and ground was still quite wet.

“Fuck,” he whined and rolled over. Then he heard approaching footsteps.

“Hey, you okay?” the same girl he saw before asked. Dean stood up quickly and saw a young skinny boy standing two steps behind the girl.

“Y-yeah, I’m fine,” he said not very convincingly. The girl just shrugged her shoulders carelessly and entered the building with the boy still two steps behind her. Dean didn’t know what to do. His heart still didn’t calm down and he had trouble breathing. He needed to sit down, despite the pain and with shaking hand he drew his phone from the front pocket quickly and dialed Bobby’s number.

***

Sam grabbed the ringing phone.

“Dean! Dean, are you okay? Where are you?!” When Dean heard his brother’s frightened voice, he wasn’t able to force a single word out of his throat. That horrible lump was there again.

“Dean?” Bobby’s voice was the next Dean heard. He sounded tired and worried. Dean’s never heard him like this. Just now he realized how much worry he must’ve given him by leaving house without telling him where he was going. What was he thinking?!

“Bobby, please, come and pick me up, please don’t ask, just come.” Dean’s voice was completely broken and although he was trying to hide it, Bobby heard a muffled sob.

“Where are you, Dean? Are you hurt?” Bobby pushed Sam away softly and rose from the couch.

“I-I’m okay, just, just please come here,” Dean sobbed, “please, don’t be mad at me, please.”

“Text mi the address, I’m coming to get you,” Bobby said and ended the call.

“I’m coming with you,” Sam said, fully awake now.

“You’re not. I need a serious talk with your brother. I’ll text you when I find him, but now you’re going to bed,” Bobby decided and Sam didn’t dare to protest. The mama-bear look in Bobby’s eyes scared even him. “Oh boy,” the old man sighed when he received the address. He knew very well what kind of place it was. How can be Dean this stupid?

It took Bobby about ten minutes to find Dean. He was sitting in front of a huge bush where nobody from the building could see him, curled with knees under his chin, a bit calmer now, but his face was red from recent crying and his whole body felt heavy and sore. Bobby stopped the car just about ten steps from Dean and stormed up to him, fear in his eyes replaced with anger. Dean stood up in the moment he saw Bobby’s car, but his legs were weak, he staggered and nearly fell into the bush behind him.

“Bobby! Thank you so—“ He was interrupted by a sharp slap that landed on his left cheek. He opened his mouth in shock.

“What were you thinking, you idjit?! Have you got any idea what could have happened to you? Get your ass in the car!” Bobby said angrily to hide how frightened he was and turned his back to Dean to return to the car. It took Dean a few seconds to start following him with his head bent. He felt so ashamed. He didn’t dare to sit on the passenger’s seat, so Bobby could see his painful frown in the rear mirror as he was sitting down in the back. He didn’t need to guess twice what happened. Dean sobbed softly, trying to muffle it with his sleeve, but in the dead-silence it was still loud. He was shivering violently, relief mixed with shame and remains of fear. Bobby sighed. He couldn’t pretend to be mad at him, not right now.

“Did that guy hurt you, Dean?” he asked quietly. Dean wasn’t able to answer. He was fully occupied with trying to not let another sob out. Bobby didn’t ask again, he just sent Sam a short message and drove off. However, after a few minutes of ride he pulled over at the side of an empty road. He then stepped out of the car and opened the door to the back seat. Dean didn’t look up the whole time, not even when Bobby sat down next to him, he seemed lost in thoughts.

“Sorry about that slap, Dean,” Bobby sighed, trying to make Dean look at him.

“I deserved it,” the boy answered in a dull voice. “For being stupid.”

 “The slap? Yeah, you bet you did. But what happened, Dean? You gotta talk to me, boy. You can’t give me this kind of shocks in my age.” Instead of an answer, Dean just exhaled shakily. He knew he was going to tell Bobby everything.

“Did that guy hurt you?”

Dean nodded hesitantly, but still didn’t look up.

“Did he force you to do something you didn’t want to?” Bobby asked, choosing words carefully. But Dean just kept staring at his knees.

“Dammit, boy, did he rape you? Talk to me!” Bobby raised his voice and Dean winced. He finally looked at the older man.

“He… I.. I don’t know, I mean.. I wanted him to stop, but.. but.. I didn’t.. I didn’t say no.. just.. just when I was.. leaving and.. I was so scared,” his voice broke again and he didn’t even try to stop tears. “Please, Bobby, I can’t tell you, I’m so ashamed,” he sobbed and buried his face in his hands. Bobby caressed his back and started rubbing it gently.


	15. I can’t explain, you would not understand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a couple of chapters to go, how do you think it will end?

“Okay, Dean, alright, take your time. But listen to me now. You delete that stupid app. That’s the first thing. Second, from now until I say otherwise you won’t go anywhere except my shop on your own and anywhere else without telling me where, with who and when you come back. If you go somewhere, only with Sam or Charlie. And you will send me a photo so I know you didn’t lie to me. You break this rule one single time and you won’t be going anywhere at all. Was I clear enough?” Bobby didn’t want to treat Dean like a small child, but the boy didn’t give him other option. He had to take control. If something happened to Dean, he would never forgive himself.

“Yes, Bobby,” Dean whispered meekly. There was no point in protesting. Bobby was right. And Dean definitely wouldn’t keep using Tinder. Then he cleared his throat and told Bobby what happened tonight. He didn’t tell him many details though; he never really talked much about sex with Bobby. It felt awkward.

“Well,” Bobby sighed when Dean finished. “You certainly learned a lesson today. But nobody should learn lessons this way. Don’t you, um.. want to see a doctor?”

“What doctor?” Dean frowned, confused. “No, I’ll be okay. It.. it hurts, but.. he, he didn’t do anything that.. would require a doctor,” he sighed then. Of course he didn’t tell Bobby that Liam refused to use a condom. He could just hope he didn’t have anything.

“Alright. And Dean… is there something you want to tell me? Or something I should know?” Bobby pierced him with a look that he always used when he knew Dean lied to him. He knew Dean wasn’t telling him something. And his conversation with Mr. Milton the other day gave him a bug in the head. Something more than just disagreements must have happened between him and the previous teacher.

***

“We’ll talk in the morning. Go get some sleep, Dean,” Bobby said softly when they arrived home. He had a lot to think about. Dean told him everything. Everything about him and Alastair, nightmares, guys he was seeing, his talk with Missouri, even about the short friendship with Michael, but not that much about Castiel. Just that it didn’t work out. He was exhausted, emotionally as much as physically. His legs felt like jello when he got out of the car. The light was still on in Sam’s room although it was very late, but Dean couldn’t face his brother now. As quietly as possible he locked himself in the bathroom and had a long, hot shower. He couldn’t get this night out of his head, not for a second. What Liam said. That he doesn’t know how the game works. He thought the same about Castiel. And now it turned out that he knew nothing himself. He didn’t understand how he could have ended up in this situation. He felt dirty, used and humiliated.

When he finally left the bathroom, a bit relaxed and much calmer, the house was dark and silent; the only light was coming from his room. Sam wasn't there waiting for him to ask what happened – Bobby probably told him to leave Dean alone for now. And he also left a chocolate bar and a cup of tea on the bedside table. Dean sighed. Bobby cared so much about him and he's never appreciated it enough. He switched the bedside lamp on and ceiling light off. He didn't really like the tea Bobby made him, it was some kind of herbal tea, but it was probably supposed to do his nerves good, so he just gulped it. Then he put a piece of chocolate in his mouth and curled up in bed. He was quite afraid he wouldn't be able to fall asleep or have nightmares, but before the chocolate melted in his mouth, he fell into a deep, dreams-free sleep.

***

He woke up quite rested, but his whole body was sore. When he left his room, he heard sounds of dishes and voices from the kitchen. It was only Bobby and Sam, but he couldn’t understand what they were saying. So he walked to the bathroom quietly and almost yelped in shock when he saw himself in the mirror. There was a huge purple bruise on his jaw. He locked the door and looked again – it looked like he got beaten up. He undressed quickly and examined his body in front of the mirror.

“Oh no, no, no!” he exhaled shakily. He had a few more bruises on his hips and one on a thigh, which wouldn’t be that bad, but he couldn’t cover them with his underwear properly. So on Tuesday before gym, all the boys from his class will be able to guess quite easily how he spent his weekend. He sighed and got dressed. He could just hope those bruises wouldn’t last long. As he walked down the stairs, a delicious smell of bacon, eggs, mushrooms and toasts hit his nose.

“Oh Bobby, I love how you go all British on Saturday,” Dean smiled when he entered the kitchen where Sam and Bobby were preparing breakfast. Well, it was more a brunch than breakfast, since it was already 11 o’clock.

“Why thank you young gentleman, that is truly a magnificent compliment from you, and how splendid you joined us before the noon,” Bobby said with a horrible British accent and both brothers burst in laughter. Bobby smiled, but then he got serious when he noticed the bruise on Dean’s jaw.

“Are you okay, Dean? After yesterday?” he asked.

“I’ve been better,” Dean sighed. “But I slept well and…” he sighed again. “I’ll be okay. Bobby… thank you for coming. I.. I’ve realized I probably didn’t appreciate your care enough. I’m really sorry for that. I just want to tell you.. I.. me and Sam.. would be so screwed up without you and…” he sighed. He didn’t know what more to say, he couldn’t put a proper sentence together. When he opened his mouth to continue but no words came out, he just walked up to Bobby and hugged him. The atmosphere in the kitchen got so heavy Sam did the only thing he could think of in that moment.

“Group huuug!” he yelled and threw himself on them, making them laugh.

“Um, and Bobby, can you excuse me from gym somehow? Like call the teacher?” Dean asked when they broke the hug and showed him and Sam one of the bruises.

“Just tell Gabriel, he’ll be okay with that,” Sam said quickly. Dean frowned.

“I don’t… I don’t really want him to know. I just made his brother feel like I used him, I’m pretty sure he knows. What will he think when I tell him this?”

“Wait wait wait, what are you talking about? What exactly happened between you and Castiel?”

 Dean sighed.

“Can we just eat and let it be now? There’s nothing I can do about it anyway. I just.. I screwed up, like, a lot,” he said, but couldn’t look either one of them in the eyes. He felt ashamed for how he’s been treating Cas. But how could he fix it?

“Alright, Dean,” Bobby said and although Sam wanted to say something, Bobby’s warning gaze hushed him. After breakfast (or brunch) Dean decided to do laundry. Bobby stared at him in pure amazement.

“Did he get hit in the head?” he whispered to Sam as he was watching Dean sorting dirty clothes by color on the kitchen floor and putting first pile in the washing machine.

“I don’t know… maybe he’s sick?” Sam whispered back. The truth was – Dean really wasn’t okay. He was trying to keep himself occupied, because the last night started coming back to his head. After this he vacuumed the whole house and tidied his room. It was extremely unusual to see him doing chores without being told at least three times. When he was about to start mowing the back garden, Bobby stopped him.

“It doesn’t need to be done, Dean,” he said calmly.

“Y-yeah, but.. but.. I need to do something,” Dean muttered.

“How about a talk?”

“I told you everything, I promise. I just.. don’t want to talk about Cas, okay? I screwed up so much, Bobby,” Dean sighed. “I’m such an idiot, he liked me and cared about me and I.. I.. I got scared. Please don’t make me talk about it.”

“Alright then,” Bobby sighed. “But Dean, why did you think it was a good idea to go to some stranger’s place and drink his booze? Do you have any idea what could have happened to you?”

“I wasn’t thinking,” Dean whispered. He _so_ didn’t want to have this conversation.

“Haven’t you heard all those stories? Well, they are mostly about girls, but the situation was the same. Sam was freaking out! You think I wasn’t?! I knew you were probably in trouble and had no idea where you were! This city is too big for me to drive around searching for you!”

“I’m sorry, Bobby,” Dean said thickly. He had that awful lump in his throat again and he felt horrible.

“So you’re sorry! Seriously, Dean, what would you do if that other guy didn’t let you go? There were two of them, they could’ve done anything they wanted to you! Imagine they wanted to hurt you! How many girls who ended up raped and killed have you heard of?! It doesn’t make any difference that you are a boy! We’d find you in weeks, months maybe. Probably in a bag, somewhere in the woods. And you could be sorry however much you’d want.”

Dean didn’t answer. There was nothing to say.  Bobby just nodded to himself and left him alone, to think about what happened. He said what he needed to say.

“Bobby?” Dean called after him a few moments later when he was sure his voice wouldn’t betray him.

“Yeah?” Bobby peeked from the open kitchen window.

“May I go to the lake? I mean… with Sam, of course. I need to clear my head.”

“Alright, go, it’s a nice day. But be home for dinner.”

“Umm, how about we go camping? Just for a night? Please? I’ll leave my phone here, I need to go away for a while. I promise I won’t do anything stupid.”

“I believe you learned your lesson and won’t do anything stupid. You can go, but you will report to me with Sam’s phone,” Bobby said after a while of thinking. He believed that Dean wouldn’t a thing this stupid ever again, but he had to hold on his punishment.

“Thank you,” Dean gave him a grateful smile and ran upstairs to find Sam. He was in his room, reading a book.

“Come on bookworm, put it down, we’re going for a trip,” he announced and opened Sam’s closet to toss a pair of shorts and a t-shirt across the room. They landed right on Sam’s head.

 “Wait, what? Aren’t you grounded?” Sam shook the clothes off of his head.

“No when I go with you or Charlie. Come on, we’re going camping, pack some stuff and blankets, I’ll get sleeping bags, tent and my stuff. We’re leaving in fifteen minutes!” Dean commanded and marched away in the best mood Sam’s seen in weeks.


	16. Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead

“Um… okay,” Sam shrugged. He wasn’t a big fan of camping, but it wouldn’t kill him every once a while, right? Especially when Dean clearly needed to relax. So he emptied his school backpack, changed into t-shirt and shorts and put a few pieces of clothes in the backpack. His phone along with a power bank and earphones went to the side pocket. Then he took one of his and one of Dean’s pillows and wrapped them in two blankets, he didn’t have any big bag, so that had to be enough. He carried everything downstairs, put it down on the kitchen table and then went to fetch a tin of cookies hidden at the back of the top shelf in a small pantry next to the kitchen. They both enjoyed occasional late-night snacks since they moved to Bobby’s house. Their father, let’s say, wouldn’t approve if he found they dared to do such thing in his house.

“Do you need anything else than those cookies you two think I don’t know about?” Bobby asked behind him as Sam zipped the backpack. The boy flinched and turned around, his face getting red color.

“Um, what?” he tried to look innocent.

“Oh nothing. Just those cookies I refill for you sometimes,” Bobby chuckled and laid a pack of six big water bottles on the table. Sam bit his lip, he thought Dean was refilling them. But Bobby seemed cool about it. Of course he did, it was Bobby! Silly Sam. But sometimes he got this strange feeling about things he was doing. It was aftermath of John Winchester’s parenting.

“Take these so you don’t have to buy them,” he said. “Will you go shopping or you take food from here?”

“Um, I don’t know, Dean just said we’re leaving,” he shrugged. Just a moment later Dean came to the kitchen with another backpack on his back and holding way too many things in his hands.

“Why didn’t you put it in the backpack?” Bobby pointed. Dean dropped things with a loud thud on the kitchen table next to the bottles.

“Whatever,” Dean grinned and laid the backpack on the table.

“So… pocket knife, lighter, matches, another pocket knife…” he was muttering while putting smaller things into side pockets. “Bobby, do we have any paper we could use?” he asked on his way to the fridge. Sam’s never seen him getting ready for something this quickly. Well if he didn’t count their moving out of their father’s house. But that was different.

***

“But is it allowed to camp at the lake?” Sam frowned all of sudden. They were sitting in the car, all their stuff in trunk and back seats. After Bobby got them some paper to use for fire, they went for a small shopping. Not many things, just what they would surely eat. Some sausages, bread, marshmallows, snacks and that was all.

“No, but we’re not going right there,” Dean answered calmly, watching the road.

“Wait, Dean, where are we going then?! Did you lie to Bobby?” Sam raised his voice with a bit of panic in it.

“Oh stop freaking out,” Dean rolled his eyes. “We can’t camp right at the lake, but that doesn’t mean we’re going to another state. There’s a place from where we can walk to the lake if we want.”

Just a couple minutes later Dean was attaching one of the sleeping bags to Sam’s backpack.

“Um, it’s pulling me to the right, give me the other one too,” Sam complained when Dean was done. Dean just nodded and attached the other one on the left side of Sam’s backpack. Then he grabbed the rest of things himself and led Sam among the trees until they walked up to a simple fire pit by a calm river. They dropped all their stuff on a pile and Dean took his shoes off. It was a clean place, covered with a soft layer of grass and moss.

“Can we swim in that river?” Sam asked after a couple seconds of watching the water.

“Yeah, if you want to cuddle with the fish, sure,” Dean chuckled and laughed when he saw Sam’s disgusted frown. They spent next hour building a tent and searching for wood to make a fire, but soon enough a delicious smell and pleasant sound of sizzling sausages filled the area.

“You know,” Dean interrupted the silence later, when they were both lying on the ground only wearing underwear, enjoying the gentle sun rays on their bare skin, “I think Bobby slipped sunscreen in my backpack. I’m going to check.” He looked at his brother, but he was sleeping peacefully, with his mouth slightly open. A mischievous grin spread across Dean’s face, he rose up quietly and rummaged through his backpack to find a spray bottle of sunscreen. He didn’t want to get sunburnt and he definitely didn’t want to listen Sam’s whining about being sunburnt. So he crept to him and sprayed the cold substance in his face. Some of it got into his open mouth too. He woke up immediately, confused at first, frowning and spitting around just a second later.

“Jerk!” he grunted when he noticed his brother was lying next to him, barely breathing and crying with laughter. He jumped on his feet and ran back to the tent to get some water so he could get rid of that horrible taste in his mouth. When he was holding the cold bottle, he got an idea for instant revenge. Dean was like a cat, he loved basking, no matter how hot he was then. So…

“Aaaaaaaaaaah!” Dean gave a high-pitched scream when Sam poured ice-cold water on his overheated skin. While Sam was laughing, Dean didn’t even hesitate, grabbed back of Sam’s knee and pulled him down to the ground with a soft thud. The moss wasn’t that soft when he landed on it like this.

“Ugh!”

“You okay?” Dean chuckled and when Sam nodded, he sat up quickly and his fingers attacked Sam’s most ticklish spots.

“Nooooooo! No, Dean, stop, stop, fuck you, stooooop!” Sam shrieked with a burst of unintentional laughter. But Dean knew him too well, so just before Sam tried to defend himself with kicking that he called ‘sorry but that was a reflex’, Dean immobilized his brother’s legs with his knee and grabbed his wrists with one hand, while still tickling him with the other one.

“You want a war? That’s what you want, Samuel?” he shouted with a wide smirk.

“No, no, it’s over, I surrender, just stooooop!” Sam yelled, tears of laughter streaming down his face. “Seriously, Dean, I will piss my pants!” he cried then and Dean finally stopped. This worked as a safe-word.

“Alright Sam, sunscreen,” Dean grinned while Sam was still panting and wiping tears off his red face. A few minutes later they were lying on the soft ground again, Dean lost in thoughts and Sam slowly falling asleep. The only sound around them was singing of birds and soft noise of the river. Dean tried to think about things he wanted to sort out in his head, but eventually, the soothing sounds of nature and hot sun lulled him to sleep too.

***

When Sam woke up, the sun was low and the boy was freezing. Alright, not freezing, but after the hot afternoon, evening breeze felt like Siberian wind.

“Dean, wake up!” Sam shoved his brother’s shoulder and ran back to the tent to get some clothes.

“Shit it’s cold!” he heard Dean’s grunt behind him, so he pulled some clothes out of his backpack too.

“Thanks,” Dean muttered and got dressed quickly. “I guess I should let Bobby know I’m not doing anything stupid,” he sighed and grabbed Sam’s phone.

“Right, I’ll get some wood for fire,” Sam said and walked away quickly so he wouldn’t be too close when Dean finds out that he sent Bobby a picture of him sleeping on the grass with a flower crown that was added to the pic afterwards. So Dean sent a pic of himself with a box of matches and a message ‘Sam’s getting a fire crown :)’. Then he grabbed a bag of marshmallows and cookies out of Sam’s backpack and put them on one of the flat rocks around the fire pit. Sam was just coming back.

“Hey bitch, want a crown too?” Dean barked with a few matches in his hand.

“Crowns suit you better, jerk,” Sam answered with a smirk.

***

 “So what happened between you and Cas?” Sam asked quietly. They were both snuggled in their sleeping bags comfortably. Sam was a little sick because of all those marshmallows he ate, but he felt great in the cozy small tent right next to his big brother.

“Sammy…” Dean sighed. “Alright. When you really have to know, I screwed up. Cas… was so friendly, and… Sammy, he was getting attached to me. He was so… affectionate. He wanted a boyfriend.”

“Didn’t you?” Sam whispered in a thick voice. Although Dean didn’t show it, Sam knew he was upset about it.

“I… I got scared, okay? I’ve never had a boyfriend, you know. Can you imagine what Dad would do if he knew about me?” he scoffed bitterly. Sam just sighed, they both knew the answer. “So the only thing closest to a relationship is what I had with Alastair. Not the best example, huh?”

“What happened then?”

“Then… after he went to the shop… the next time we were together, we had sex. And… it was great and we quite matched, as much as possible for the first time together. Then…” Dean sighed, “then he wanted to cuddle and he was looking at me… and… the look in his eyes… it scared me. It literally scared me. I know I have trust issues and all these shits, I got scared that… I would get trapped again. So… I said I have to go… and then… yes, I’m ashamed of it… I sent him a message and blocked his number.”

“But it’s ridiculous, you know that. Castiel is not a ten years older abusive and manipulative shit,” Sam pointed.

“Yeah, Captain Obvious, I know!” Dean growled. “Sorry, I didn’t mean it,” he sighed right after that and continued in a calmer voice. “I know it’s a bullshit. But I can’t help it.” His voice shook a bit with emotion and Sam better let it be. For a while. After a brief talk about his starting relationship with Eileen, he came back to the topic.

“Dean why did you even start using that dating app?” he asked into the dark. Dean sighed.

“I just… I wanted to get laid, of course, like anyone else and… I didn’t want to make bonds. No first, seconds, third dates, waiting for the right moment, no getting to know each other. Because when you get to know each other, you start to care and get vulnerable. And I didn’t want that.”

“But… weren’t you afraid you’d meet some jerk? Someone like this last guy?”

“Yeah, but…” Dean exhaled, looking for right answer. “I was picking quite carefully. You know, boys my age or even a bit younger, some with no much of muscles so they couldn’t fight me…”

“Wait, what?!” Sam blurted, shocked. “Fight you?!”

“I.. no!” Dean sat up quickly and looked at his brother. “I didn’t.. I didn’t mean it like that! I was joking, I’ve never forced anyone to do anything, I swear! I treated them all well, Sammy, I swear!”

“Okay, okay, I believe you. But… anyway. It was still so risky,” Sam sighed.

“I know… but nothing bad happened with them, they just wanted a fair one night stand, nothing more. Some of them were actually looking for their first experience, and _that_ was risky. If they went with a guy like Liam, they would get hurt much more than I did. I mean… emotionally. Well physically too, but that’s the smaller thing. If.. if someone like Cas went with him…” Dean’s eyes went wide as he said that. It slipped. He didn’t mean to talk about him again.

“Oh Dean… you care about him! Why don’t you try to fix it?”

“Because he can do better. I’m trouble and, and damaged, and he doesn’t need this! He’s a little sweet boy who can find himself another sweet boy to hold hands with and tell each other sweet shits. I can’t do that!” Dean grumbled, so annoyed with Sam’s urging. “Anyway, I’ve only met him a few times! Why would you think I care about him?!”

“Because it’s the best you’ve ever had with anyone.” Sam turned to his side and it was a sign for Dean that conversation is over. He sighed and turned his back to Sam.


	17. I miss the way you make me feel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For anyone freaking out there was no new chapter in the morning - don't worry! Your favourite, very responsible author was a wee bit drinking last night and naturally forgot she had an AO3 account. It's me you got to thank, her devoted best friend, who couldn't watch her struggles anymore and with this heroic act, I'm bringing you the new chapter of this awesome story.  
> I hope you forgive her brain-errored mind and move on. If I can do it and not kill her, you can too. Don't hold grudge. Love each other.
> 
> Enjoy.

“Good night,” he muttered, not expecting an answer. Sam mumbled something, but Dean didn’t hear him properly.

 

_“I don’t understand, Dean, what’s wrong?” the man tried to touch his face, but Dean stepped away, shaking on the whole body, breathing heavily. It was the first time he said no. Although Alastair did sound concerned, his eyes were cold and angry._

_“Everything’s wrong, this is wrong, I don’t want to have sex with you again!” Dean said in a trembling, thick voice. He was very close to a panic attack. It was the last day of his second year at this school. The tall man frowned and grabbed Dean’s wrist firmly like many times before. Dean flinched and pulled away, but his grip was too tight._

_“Let go!” Dean hissed – he felt like his bones were being crushed._

_“Not until you stop acting like an idiot!” Alastair touched his hip like he usually would and pulled him close. “I love you, Dean, don’t you see it? I gave you so much and now you’re doing what? You met someone, didn’t you?” he asked in a dark voice._

_“No, no, but I, I don’t.. don’t.. I don’t want to do this anymore!” Dean squealed with tears in his eyes. He was scared to death. “I don’t like it, let me just go, please, I won’t tell anyone,” he all but whispered, his voice was betraying him._

_“Oh come on, Dean, don’t you remember how good I made you feel so many times?” Alastair gave him a playful smirk and slowly moved his hand from Dean’s hip towards his crotch._

_“If you touch me I will scream!” Dean cried with the last remains of courage. In the next second he received a sharp slap._

_“How stupid you are! No one will ever love you like I do! Who wants dirty and damaged goods, huh?! Look how dirty and damaged you are now. Get out!” Alastair hissed and pushed the boy towards the door. He didn’t even look back._

Dean snapped his eyes open and sucked in a sharp breath. He wanted to switch the bedside lamp on, but too late he realized he wasn’t in his bed and he hit Sam in the face by accident. The younger boy woke up immediately, and if not by that, then Dean trying to get out of the tent and breathing heavily would wake him anyway.

“Dean?” Sam muttered sleepily just when Dean managed to unzip the entrance and burst out. Sam crawled out of his sleeping bag – the zip was stuck so it took him some time. Meanwhile Dean emptied his stomach next to a big tree he was holding on. Memories of Alastair always made him sick. Much more than the nightmares his brain made up. He felt weak, his legs were like jello and he couldn’t help his squeezing stomach.

“Dean, are you okay?!” Sam yelped full of worry. “Dean, Dean, what happened?” he touched his brother’s arm, but when he felt how violently Dean flinched, he stepped back.

“Dean, it’s okay, it was just a dream, he can’t hurt you anymore,” Sam tried and was pretty sure he guessed it right. Dean sat down on the grass, his breath unsteady. Sam ran back to their tent to fetch him a water bottle. Dean gulped a good quarter of it before he seemed to be a little bit calmer. Sam then sat down next to him and touched his shoulder carefully.

“Dean?” he all but whispered in a thick voice. Dean sighed.

“I’m sorry I woke you up, Sammy, go back to the tent, I’ll be fine.”

“Oh stop this shit, Dean! You don’t have to deal with your problems by yourself! That’s what you have your family for! Me and Bobby, we both love you and would do anything for you!” Sam blurted. “I’m not a small kid anymore, you can talk to me about stuff! I know life sucks, you won’t protect me from that! Dean, please…” Sam’s voice broke at the end. He wanted to be able to help his brother! Or at least comfort him. Dean buried his face in his hands so he wouldn’t have to look his brother in the eyes. Then he swallowed thickly and gave out a shaky breath.

“Sam… you can’t imagine how ashamed I am for what happened. I don’t think you are a small kid. I just…” he sighed.

“But it’s not your fault! Nobody can blame you for wanting someone to love you, Dean!” Sam said firmly. “How could you have known he was using you?”

“Let’s go back to the tent,” Dean all but whispered and finally looked at his brother. There was so much pain in his eyes it almost made Sam cry.

“Alright,” he muttered and shivered as he rose up and cold night breeze licked his bare legs. Dean followed him back to the tent and zipped the entrance behind them. When they were both snuggled up in warm sleeping bags, after a few moments of silence and convincing himself to speak, Dean told Sam how it all started. He didn’t tell him many details though. His baby brother didn’t need to know too much. Before, when he told him the first time, he summed up the whole situation in a few sentences. Now, now Dean finally opened more. He told him about the first time, about times when he was enjoying every touch and longing for more, and about the last time they met.

“So…” Sam started hesitantly, “what made you realize that… you didn’t want to do it with him anymore?”

“Well,” Dean sighed, “in time… I really stopped liking it. He… he started being rough and reckless and…” he sighed again, not sure he wanted to tell Sam. “And he gave me gonorrhea. That was the wakeup call.”

“Eww!” Sam cried and shuddered in disgust. “Wait… that’s why you gave me that unnecessary talk about safe sex the other day and forced me to keep a box of condoms in my drawer?” he frowned. Now he completely understood.

“Yes, Sammy, that’s why. This was the most humiliating experience in my life. I had no idea what was going on and I had to go see a doctor all by myself. I was completely freaked out and… it was all so awful, Sammy…”

“You don’t have to tell me more if you don’t want to,” Sam all but whispered. Now he regretted he made Dean tell him.

***

When Sam woke up in the morning, he was freezing. He saw Dean lying back to him with his face pushed against the wall of the tent. Sam frowned and sneezed a couple times. He really wasn’t a fan of cold mornings.

“Dean!” he whined sleepily.

“Hmm,” his brother murmured.

“I’m cold.”

“Hmm.” Dean threw himself on his back and then other side, like a fish out of water.

“C’me h’re,” he muttered, unzipped his sleeping bag and pulled his brother closer, probably still at least half-sleeping. Just then Sam realized why he was cold. He wasn’t inside of his sleeping bag. He remembered he couldn’t fall asleep because there was a bump under his hip, so he decided to lie on his sleeping bag. Now he didn’t hesitate and snuggled up tight to Dean’s heat-radiating body and buried his ice-cold nose in his chest.

“Jeez, you’re cold,” Dean said softly and rubbed Sam’s arm roughly. Then, obviously sleeping or not realizing it was his brother, he pulled him even closer and zipped the sleeping bag. Sam frowned against Dean’s chest, this was getting awkward.

“What is it?” Dean muttered when he felt the frown on his skin and caressed the small of Sam’s back softly. That would still be acceptable, but…

“Dean!” Sam yelped and pulled away when he felt his brother’s boner on his leg a moment later. Dean’s eyes opened wide.

“Shit,” he said and unzipped the sleeping bag again quickly.

“Who you thought I was?!” Sam cried and crawled back into his own sleeping bag.

“Well definitely not you,” Dean muttered and buried his face in his hands. “Shit.” His heart was pounding fast and he shivered a bit. He had the best erotic dream ever. And at first he thought Sam was Castiel. _Fuck, at least I didn’t kiss him_ , he thought, his face turning bright red. “I’m sorry, Sammy…” he exhaled after a moment of heavy silence.

“It’s okay,” Sam sighed. “You should call Cas though,” he pointed bitterly and crawled out of the tent to stretch his limbs after a night in the small tent. They didn’t talk about it. They both better pretended that nothing happened and spent the whole morning relaxing and talking about not important stuff. This was exactly what Dean needed. They sent a few silly pictures to Bobby too and sometime around the noon they went back in a great mood.

***

On Monday, first thing in the morning Dean went to find Gabriel. He wasn’t at school on Thursday and Friday so Dean didn’t have a chance to talk to him. He knocked on the gym office door and when Gabriel’s voice called from the inside, he walked in.

“Hello, Mr. Milton,” Dean said with a wide smile, but it faded quickly. Gabriel looked absolutely drained.

“Oh, hello Dean, do you need anything?” he asked, but then he noticed the bruise on Dean’s jaw. “What’s that bruise from?” he asked.

“I.. I just slipped on the stairs,” Dean said not very convincingly, avoiding meeting the teacher’s eyes. “I… I wanted to thank you for your help. I talked to Mrs. Moseley. I needed this. A lot. You have no idea how much.” Gabriel gave him a tired smile.

“I’m glad for that, Dean. I know you needed it. It’s not good to bury pain inside. I think you know that.” He didn’t ask about the bruise again, but he didn’t believe him.

“Yeah, I could write a book about that,” Dean scoffed. “But… are you.. are you okay?” Dean asked seriously concerned. He hasn’t even noticed when he started to care about the teacher.

“I’m alright, I’m just very tired,” Gabriel sighed. “You know I mentioned my younger brother.. he got very sick all of sudden and I spent lots of time in hospital with him. It was just a couple of days, but it felt like eternity.”

“Shit…” Dean all but whispered. “Is.. is he better now?” He felt terrible. Somehow he thought it was his fault. But how could it be? Cas just caught some nasty germ or whatever, according to Gabriel.

“Yeah, yeah,” Gabriel nodded. “He’s recovering nicely. But… for a while I thought I was losing him. I know I was exaggerating, but…” he sighed. “You know what I mean, you have a brother too.” The teacher buried his face in his hands. He was truly exhausted. “Actually… I was hoping you could help me with one thing,” he looked at Dean after a while of uncomfortable silence when Dean didn’t know what to say.

“Yes, of course,” Dean looked at him curiously.

“Well here’s the thing. Castiel has always been open and honest with me, but now I believe something bad happened and he’s not talking to me about it.” As Dean heard that, his heart started racing. So Gabriel had no idea what happened. He swallowed thickly. _Fuck._

“Yeah well,” Dean sighed, “I can relate to that. Do you think someone hurt him?”

“I guess. But it must have happened just recently. He changed day to day, you know. He was home alone for one night. I think he’s brought someone over. I, um, found a used condom in the trash.”

“Like he had a girl over?” Dean asked quietly. He almost said boy, but in the last second he remembered that he’s not supposed to know Castiel.

“Well I would assume a boy. He came out to me last year. But he’s never mentioned a boyfriend or anything related and I know him, he would tell me, he tells me everything. I’m sorry to bother you with this Dean, but since you are his age, I was hoping…”

“No, no, you’re not bothering me, I get it, I would to the same,” Dean interrupted him. “But I don’t know how to help you. Maybe you should give him some time?”

“Maybe. He’s a good kid, Dean, I think you’d like him. It just feels horrible to think someone could hurt such a pure soul. But maybe he was just getting sick and there’s no connection with having someone over, his behavior changed just a couple days before it got bad. Thank you, Dean.”


	18. Hey, it’s me again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Castiel meet again. How is it going to end?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... here we are. I don't know what to say. I don't want this story to end, you know. I love it. It was my first multi-chapter fic in English that I actually finished. But it's been quite a road, right? I hope you enjoyed the story as much as I did, please leave me some comments so I know :) So... enjoy the last chapter and I'll see you at the next story.

Dean was fighting the urge to message Castiel and ask if he was okay. And say that he was sorry, so fucking sorry! But after hurting him like that, would he even answer him? Hardly. It felt awful just to think that it might be his fault that Cas got sick. And there was another thing. Castiel lied either to him or to his brother. And since Gabriel was so sure that Cas would tell him about a boyfriend or anything related and came out just a year ago, it seemed that he lied to Dean about having at least some experience. Therefore, Dean took his virginity and left with the lamest excuse. There was no way to fix this.

“Earth to Dean, report the location of your mind, I repeat, report the location of your mind,” a muffled voice said to his ear and a hand waved in front of his eyes. He winced and looked at his friend.

“Sorry Charlie, I got lost I guess,” he forced a small laugh.

“I can tell. I was asking if you’re up for a party next Saturday. Last party before we focus on finals? My folks are going out for weekend,” the cheery redhead said. “It will be just a few people. I’m allowed to have a party, but no casualties, fire or broken walls.” Dean laughed for real now at her choice of words. Charlie loved to exaggerate.

“I will have to ask Bobby, I’m kinda in trouble now, but I’m sure he’ll let me go, I will just have to send him a photo with you so he knows where I am.”

“What kind of trouble?” Charlie frowned.

“Um, I just.. I just went to a shitty neighborhood and got in some trouble, nothing serious, don’t worry, I was just being stupid, but Bobby had to pick me up and he got quite mad at me,” Dean lied. He hated to lie to Charlie, but he didn’t want to worry her. He was trying to forget about that night and see it as a wakeup call. He really deleted the app as Bobby said and didn’t even think about using anything similar. Charlie rolled her eyes and smiled.

“You are such a troublemaker. Alright, then it’s settled. Last party before the reality comes,” she sighed.

“Oh don’t be silly,” Dean chuckled. “We’ll have so many more parties.”

***

Dean didn’t message Castiel. He wanted though. But he didn’t. He saw him once, passing by the shop. He stopped at the door like he wanted to go in. But he didn’t. And Dean didn’t run out to talk to him. Anyway, Bobby approved the party, when Dean promised that after it he would start preparing for his finals. He wasn’t worried though, he worked hard the whole time at school.

The weather wasn’t very pleasant that day. Dark clouds were draped over the sky since the very morning, the air wouldn’t move and it was awfully hot. But not even that could ruin the upcoming party. Dean arrived to Charlie’s house in the evening to help her prepare everything. Well there wasn’t much to prepare, but Dean was really bored at home. Bobby gave him a couple of beers to bring over, so Dean put them down on a coffee table in the living room next to a bottle of wine and a big pack of plastic cups. Then he joined Charlie in the kitchen to help her prepare food and snacks.

“So who’s coming?” he asked when they brought everything to the living room. Charlie was singing along with the radio the whole time and Dean really wanted her to stop for a while.

“She said shut up and dance with me,” Charlie sang loudly and grabbed Dean’s forearm to pull him into a dangerous dance move. Dean burst in laughter and spun her around. Just then they heard the front door open and voices.

“Dorothy, you need to pacify your girlfriend, she’s forcing me to dance and listen to her singing!” Dean shouted towards the door. He had a huge smile on his face, but that disappeared when he saw Dorothy’s companion. It wasn’t the couple he briefly remembered from some party that astonished him. It was Castiel. To be fair, his expression was the same as Dean’s.

“Surprise!” Charlie grinned. “Imagine that, Castiel is Dorothy’s classmate and when I saw him in Bobby’s shop with you, I just had to invite him!” her voice was vibrating with excitement. “And you remember Isabella and James, right?”

“Yeah,” Dean whispered, still staring at Castiel.

“I.. I think I should go,” Castiel muttered.

“What?” everyone except Dean frowned.

“I don’t want to be here with him,” he said thickly, still looking at Dean. Everyone else looked at Dean too.

“Cas, wait,” Dean sighed. “Please let me explain.”

“Explain what?!” Cas hissed. He wanted to continue, but he couldn’t force another word over a lump in his throat.

“Come on, let’s talk in private,” Dean said softly and walked Cas to the kitchen, holding his wrist. Castiel struggled at first, but then he obeyed the bigger boy. In the kitchen he sat down on a chair heavily and buried his face in his hands while Dean closed the door.

“Dean, I don’t want to hear more excuses, alright?” he sighed.

“No, Cas, I swear it was true what I wrote you in that message. I’m really sorry I wasn’t able to tell you in the eyes.”

“Whatever. Dean, just… not like it matters anymore… just tell me… did you only want to get me to bed? Just tell me,” Castiel all but whispered.

“At first I wanted to. Because that’s what Tinder is for, Cas. People there don’t want to get attached. Because this is easier. No, Cas.. wait, sit down. Let me finish.” Dean placed a hand on Castiel’s shoulder to make him sit still. “I couldn’t tell you the truth. And… I thought… maybe I could try to give it a chance. You know… this is not easy to say but… I’ve been through an awful abusive relationship with my old gym teacher.” He had to stop for a few seconds to process what just left his mouth.

“What?!” Castiel yelped with his eyes wide open. “Wait… wait wait wait! My brother is a gym teacher and he told me about some other teacher who got in jail for molesting a boy in a sports club…” his voice died at the end and he was looking at Dean with horror in his eyes. Dean sighed.

“Yes, that was him. But I’m not that boy.” And then Dean told him everything. He skipped the details, but he told him the necessary part. About his abusive father, about the relationship with Alastair, about nightmares, meaningless sex with strangers and how he got help from Castiel’s brother. He didn’t mention Liam though. He decided to bury that night.

“Don’t say anything, please. Don’t say how horrible it is, that you are sorry or whatever. I just… wanted you to know, okay?” he said after he finished.

“Okay,” Castiel whispered under his breath, his heart pounding fast. He couldn’t imagine something like this happening to him. He… he didn’t think he would get over it. It would break him in pieces. He’s been through some bad things, but no one ever abused him and he’s _always_ had his loving family behind him and a safe home.

“So.. your brother said you were sick after.. after that night.. was that because of me?” Dean changed the topic quickly.

“No, no… I mean…” Castiel frowned, “I was sad and mad at you, but this was some virus or whatever. I’ve had an awfully high fever and wouldn’t hold anything in my stomach. That’s what my brother told me. I.. I don’t remember much of those few days. I am okay now. Um, I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“Right, right,” Dean sighed. “So… now… when I told you why I treated you like shit… can… can we try and enjoy the party? Will you stay in a room with me?” he asked hesitantly.

“Yeah,” Castiel whispered. “But… I will need some time to process what you told me,” he said in a thick voice.

“No, Castiel… don’t pity me. I’m doing much better, the last thing I need is someone treating me like a victim.”

“Alright,” Cas gave him a playful smile.

So… what do you say, are we going to join them?” Dean smiled genuinely and touched Cas’s hand softly. The smaller boy nodded and rose up.

***

Later on, after a few beers and some wine, the atmosphere in Charlie’s living room was pretty relaxed and friendly. Everyone was talking and joking with each other, even Dean and Castiel. He even seemed to be flirting a little bit and Dean wrapped one arm around his shoulders lightly. Maybe it was the alcohol.

“Guys, how about a movie?” Charlie suggested. When everyone agreed, she opened a drawer stuffed with DVD cases.

“Whoa,” Castiel grinned. “That’s a lot of movies.”

“Everyone pick one movie,” Charlie ordered and picked The Hobbit for herself. A while later she handed a pile of cases to Dean.

“Shuffle them and I’ll pick with my eyes closed,” she said and covered her eyes with one hand. So Dean shuffled the DVDs and let Charlie pick. After she took a hold of the chosen one, Dean cheered.

“So I guess we’re watching Empire strikes back?” Charlie grinned, her eyes still covered.  

“Yes!” Dean howled. “Cas, have you seen it?”

“Actually I’ve only seen A new hope,” Castiel muttered. He realized that it was probably Dean’s favorite movie series.

“You’re gonna love it!” Dean smiled wide. He was looking forward to watching Cas’s reactions.

“Alright,” the smaller boy chuckled. “Um, Charlie, where is the toilet?”

“Dean will show you,” she smirked while pretending to be superbusy putting DVDs back. Castiel looked at Dean hesitantly, but he rose up quickly and touched his forearm.

“Come on.” So Castiel followed him upstairs.

“There,” Dean pointed at one of the doors. But when Cas walked in, Dean didn’t leave. He waited for him to walk out.

“Dean?” Castiel looked at him in a mild surprise. He looked so innocent. Dean smiled.

“Hey Cas,” he whispered with a soft smile and ambled closer to him. “I didn’t tell you that, but… I really enjoyed that night. It was different. Like… making love. Brand new thing to me, you know. Just tell me… was it true that you’ve had sex before?” he looked deep into his blue eyes.

“No,” Castiel whispered.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Would it make any difference?” Cas frowned. Dean sighed heavily.

“I’m sorry I hurt you. I truly am.”

“I know. I’m not mad anymore. After what you told me… I guess…” Cas just sighed. He didn’t know what to say.

“May I kiss you?” Dean whispered. Instead of an answer, Castiel wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck. Dean didn’t hesitate for too long, he leaned in and placed his lips on Castiel’s gently.

“Will you give me one more chance?” he asked softly as he caressed Castiel’s shoulder. The other boy smiled. He already did.

 

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Or maybe not. I’m working on part 2, but I can’t promise you when it would be out as I work very late five days a week right now and therefore don’t have much time or will to write, but I’ll do my best. Stay tuned :*


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